Best comedy movie quotes of all time

Lou Landers: Thanksgiving is a time for family. Lance is the only family I have. I never married.
Jill Johnson: [Offering him fruitcake.] Fruitcake?
Lou Landers: No, I just haven't found the right woman.

Instructor: Impressive shooting, Montgomery. You realize though, that you missed the target in the middle?
Earl Montgomery: Who, the brother? Oh I wasn't shooting at him.
Instructor: Mind telling me why not?
Earl Montgomery: He don't look suspicious, to me. Look at'em. One lone brother, surrounded by four white guys with guns? The man is terrified. What you want him to do, tap dance? Don't worry brother, I got you. Don't be afraid to dial 911. I keeps it clean, when Earl Montgomery's on the scene. What the problem is?

[Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume.]
Tallahassee: It's ok. But FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that.

Gerry Fleck: She had dozens of boyfriends,
Cookie Fleck: Hundreds,
Gerry Fleck: Hundreds?
Cookie Fleck: Yeah, hundreds.
Gerry Fleck: Well, I did not know that.

Teeny: Chrissy, truth or dare?
Chrissy: Truth.
Teeny: Have you ever been french kissed?
Chrissy: Are you kidding? I don't want to get pregnant!
Roberta: You can't get pregnant from french-kissing!
Chrissy: I know that, beetle-brain, but it's common knowledge that if you tongue-kiss a boy, he automatically thinks you'll do the deed with him. They can't help it. They're driven. It's the male curse.

Tiffany: I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?

Archie Moses: This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's dick has sideburns.

Truly Scrumptious: Well, Mr. Potts!
Caractacus Pott: What's wrong?
Truly Scrumptious: Now you'll have to marry me!

Gurgle: Oh, the human mouth is a disgusting place.

Richard: [Pointing at a helicopter.] You ever been in one of these things?
Kim: Yeah, we have one at home. This one's pretty small actually.
Richard: Do we pay extra for irony?
Kim: No, the irony's free, it's the sarcasm you're paying for. Ironically.

Frank Pesce Jr.: I wanna do something I never did before.
Frank Pesce Sr.: Oh really, then why don't you go upstairs and clean your fucking room.

Hans: As Gandhi said...'An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'. I believe that whole heartedly.
Bill: No it doesn't. There'll be one guy left with one eye. How's the last blind guy going to take out the eye of the last guy left whose still got one eye left? All that guy has to do is run away and hide behind a bush. Ghandi was wrong. It's just that nobody's got the balls to come out and say it.

Resputia Latimore: Hey Norbit, what you looking at?
Norbit Wright: Just some kids coming down the slide.
Resputia Latimore: Oh I see what you looking at, you want to see a bitch come down the slide, Imma show you how a bitch come down the slide.

Cindy: Oh my god, Brenda, we're gonna die!
Brenda: Well, it would have just been you if you had just shut the fuck up.

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact tall is large and grande is spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.
Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really says who: Fellini? Do you accept Lira, or is it all Euros now?

Nora: You miss him...like a boyfriend. You miss your zombie boyfriend?

Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.

Smokey: I got mind control over Debo. When he here, I be quiet, but when he leave, I be talkin' again.

Benjamin Bunny: I'm still so out of shape.
Peter Rabbit: How's it working with the putting the dressing on the side?
Benjamin Bunny: Good. But, I don't understand why it's healthier to drink it all at once. (00:31:00)

Palmer: So Bart, if you could be anyone else, who would it be?
Michael: Mr. Dechesray.
Maggie: Our mailman?
Michael: He just seems to have it all figured out.