Best comedy movie quotes of 1995

Friday picture

Smokey: I got mind control over Debo. When he here, I be quiet, but when he leave, I be talkin' again.

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Dracula: Dead and Loving It picture

[Renfield is being seduced by Dracula's brides.]
Renfield: This is wrong. Do you hear me? Wrong. This is...WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY BRAINS OUT!

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Now and Then picture

Teeny: Chrissy, truth or dare?
Chrissy: Truth.
Teeny: Have you ever been french kissed?
Chrissy: Are you kidding? I don't want to get pregnant!
Roberta: You can't get pregnant from french-kissing!
Chrissy: I know that, beetle-brain, but it's common knowledge that if you tongue-kiss a boy, he automatically thinks you'll do the deed with him. They can't help it. They're driven. It's the male curse.

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Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls picture

Ace: Tell them what I'm saying. [To Wachootoo tribe] I come in peace.
Ouda: White devil say, "I will harm you."
Ace: I couldn't help but notice that Eqinsu Ocha part. Did you just refer to me as White Devil?
Ouda: This how they know you.
Ace: Leave that part out from now on. [To tribe] I represent the princess.
Ouda: I am a princess.
Ace: War is hell. The last thing we want is a fight.
Ouda: I want to fight. So go to Hell.

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Tommy Boy picture

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?
Richard: No, your face does.

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Cubs Fan
Toy Story picture

Buzz: I just want you to know that although you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.
Woody: Oh, well, that's good.
Buzz: But we're not on my planet, are we?
Woody: No.

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Major Payne picture

Cadet Stone: If I'm the new squad leader, then my first order is to SCREW YOU, SIR!
Major Payne: What'd you say to me turd?
Cadet Stone: Why don't you go back to hell where you came from?
Major Payne: Boy, I am five seconds from being on you like white on rice with a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'll put my foot so far up your ass the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
Cadet Stone: Try it.

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Tank Girl picture

Tank Girl: You gotta think of it like...the first time you got laid. You just gotta go 'Daddy, are you sure this is right?'.

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Jumanji picture

[Alan is explaining to Sarah why Van Pelt is chasing him.]
Sarah: Well, have you ever thought about sitting down and talking about your differences?
Alan: What are you, crazy? The man has a gun.
Sarah: Don't ever call me crazy, Alan. Ever. Because everyone in this town has been calling me crazy ever since I told the cops you were sucked into a board game.

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The Brady Bunch Movie picture

[Looking at Marcia walk away.]
Doug Simpson: God, she drives me crazy.
Eric Dittmeyer: I live next door to her and she's harder to get into than a Pearl Jam concert.

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Canadian Bacon picture

Kabral: The black guy always dies. Think about it, man. Unforgiven. Alien. Rocky IV. The Shining.
Roy: Star Trek II. Forrest Gump. Witness.
Bud: Annie Hall. Not Annie Hall.
Roy: No, Night of the Living Dead.
Bud: That's the one!
Kabral: And what about that brother in Jurassic Park, man?
Bud: There were two black guys who died in that one. That was a twofer. You must be really pissed off at that one.

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Bishop73
Empire Records picture

Warren Beaty: Who glued these quarters to the floor?
A.J.: I did.
Warren: Why the hell for, man?
A.J.: I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.

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Houseguest picture

Ron Timmerman: I wash my balls religiously. I like 'em so clean you can just feel every dimple.
Kevin Franklin: Thank you for sharing that.
Ron: The cleaner the ball, the better the play. Especially when you pull out that wood. The quicker you get it into the hole with the least amount of strokes, the better, right?
Kevin: Are you trying to tell me something?
Ron: Let me wash your balls.

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Bishop73
Mighty Aphrodite picture

Greek Chorus Leader: Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!
Lenny Weinrib: I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head.
Chorus: Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.

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15

Babe (1995)

Babe picture

Arthur Hoggett: That'll do pig, that'll do.

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Billy Madison picture

High School Principal: If there's any attempt by either contestant to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, I am just going to snap.

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