Best comedy movie quotes of all time

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl picture

Jack Sparrow: Me I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly it's the honest ones you have to watch out for, you never can predict if they're going to do something incredibly stupid.

The Blues Brothers picture

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.

Shrek picture

Gingy: Ok, ok...I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
Farquad: The Muffin Man?
Gingy: The Muffin Man.
Farquad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingy: Well...she's married to...the Muffin Man.
Farquad: The Muffin Man?
Gingy: The Muffin Man!
Farquad: She's married to the Muffin Man?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas picture

The Grinch: The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - and on such short notice. Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. Four o'clock, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize. 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again. 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing; I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?

Hitch picture

Hitch: Never lie, steal, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Mean Girls picture

Student: Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?
Janis: Your mom's chest hair!

Step Brothers picture

Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes "Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and grabs me by the weiner.
Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!

Frozen picture

Olaf: Hi, everyone. I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!

9

Spy (2015)

Spy picture

Rick Ford: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan Cooper: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you're intense.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective picture

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.

Anchorman picture

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean that really got out of hand fast!
Brian Fantana: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yea, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yea, there were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe house or a relative close by because you're probably wanted for murder.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues picture

Wes Mantooth: With the things I've done in my life, oh I know I'm going to burn in hell. So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on earth.
Ron Burgundy: Oh my goodness! That's the most badass thing I've ever heard!

Tropic Thunder picture

Les Grossman: First, take a big step back... And literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation picture

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty picture

Sean O'Connell: Beautiful things don't ask for attention.

The A-Team picture

Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable.

Love Actually picture

Karen: Tell me, what would you do in my position?
Harry: What position is that?
Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...
Harry: Oh, Karen...
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.
Karen: Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too.

Wreck-It Ralph picture

Wreck-It Ralph: I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me.

Tangled picture

Flynn Rider: You were my new dream.
Rapunzel: And you were mine.

Blazing Saddles picture

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... Black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... But we're very puzzled.

Office Space picture

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

Liar Liar picture

Fletcher: You scratched my car.
Impound Attendant: Where?
Fletcher: [shows scratch.] Right there.
Impound Attendant: Oh, that? That was already there.
Fletcher: You LIAR. Do you know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Attendant: What?
Fletcher: Nothing. Because if I take you to small claims court it'll just drain eight hours out of my life and even if I got the judgment you'd probably stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then BEND OVER AND TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE.
Impound Attendant: You've been here before haven't you?

Dumb and Dumber picture

Harry: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at 10 in the morning?
Lloyd: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!

Kingsman: The Secret Service picture

Harry Hart: I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

Airplane picture

Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Forrest Gump picture

Bubba: The name's Benjamin Buford Blue, people call me Bubba.
Forrest: My name's Forrest Gump, people call me Forrest Gump.

Austin Powers in Goldmember picture

Nigel Powers: There are only two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.

Bad Boys II picture

Mike Lowrey: We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life.

The Mask picture

The Mask: Our love is like a red, red rose... And I am a little thorny.

Clerks picture

[Randal reads a newspaper while a customer studies two rental choices.]
Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good.
[Randal continues reading, not even ackowledging her.]
Customer: Are either of these any good?
[Randal continues to read.]
Customer: Sir!
Randal: What?
Customer: Are either of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either of them?
Randal: No.
Customer: You've never heard anybody say anything about either movie?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
[The customer turns around, then turns back with the same two movies.]
Customer: Well, how about these two movies?
[Randal still never looks up.]
Randal: They suck!
Customer: I just held up the same two movies. You're not even paying attention.
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I only pointed out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal: I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well this is the last time I ever rent here...
Randal: You'll be missed.
Customer: Screw you!
[The customer storms out. Randal runs out into the street.]
Randal: Hey you're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: Yeah!

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