Ace Ventura: Aaalll righty then.
Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.
Aguado: Hey. Hey, Ventura. Make any good collars, lately?
Cop: Or were they leashes?
[Everyone laughs at Ace. Ace laughs and turns around.]
[Aguado sees a bug scampering across the floor and steps on it.]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
Ace: That's a good question, Aguado. First I'd establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose thirty pounds, porking his wife.
Mr. Shickadance: Venturaaahhh!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [Turns around.] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Sexy Woman: Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Ace: Well, a reward would be good. There was some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I had to fill it with premium.
[The woman interrupts Ace by kissing him.]
Sexy Woman: Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?
Ace: Gee, let me think. Um, sure.
Ace Ventura: Wow. Ray Finkle's house. I can't wait to meet him.
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home.
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute.
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute. See the engine's running, but, uh, there's nobody behind the wheel. I mean, eight years ago, our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental in Tampa. And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everybody knows that. If he had held the ball laces out like he was supposed to Ray never would have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.
Melissa: Hi, Roger. How are you holding up?
Roger: Well, if it looks like I'm walking funny it's because two dozen reporters up my ass! They've been asking me about Snowflake all morning.
[Ace looks at the dog owner in his mirror as he's smashing the car with the baseball bat.]
Ace Ventura: Warning, assholes are grosser than they appear!
Ronald Camp: I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace! I'll have the plumbing checked immediately!
Ace Ventura: Be sure that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.