Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.
Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to steal my life's work and sell it to those parasitic copycat candy making cads?
Grandpa Joe: No, sir.
Willy Wonka: Then wonderful, welcome back.
Violet Beauregarde: Are they real people?
Willy Wonka: Of course they're real people. They're Oompa Loompas. Straight from Loompaland.
Mr. Teavee: There's no such place.
Willy Wonka: Excuse me?
Mr. Teavee: Mr Wonka, I teach high school geography.
Willy Wonka: Well, then, you'll know all about it and what a terrible place it is.
Mrs. Gloop: Augustus, don't eat yourself.
Augustus: But I taste so good!
Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want one of those squirrels! Get me one of those squirrels!
Mr. Salt: All right dear. Mr. Wonka, how much for one of your squirrels? Name your price.
Willy Wonka: Oh, they're not for sale. She can't have one.
Veruca Salt: Daddy!
Willy Wonka: [impersonating Mr. Salt.] I'm sorry, darling, Mr. Wonka's being unreasonable.
Mike Teavee: Who wants a beard?
Willy Wonka: Well, beatnicks for one; folk singers and motorbike riders. You know, all those hip, jazzy, super-cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge daddy-o. Are you hep to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin soul brother.
Mr. Teevee: So can you send other things? Say, like, breakfast cereal?
Willy Wonka: Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal's made of? It's those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners.
Charlie: But could you send it by TV if you wanted to?
Willy Wonka: Of course I could.
Mike Teevee: What about people?
Willy Wonka: Well, why would I wanna send a person? They don't taste very good at all.
Mike Teavee: You don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between waves and particles... DUH! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs.
Willy Wonka: MUMBLER! Seriously, I cannot understand a word you're saying!
Willy Wonka: [hiding behind a newspaper while Charlie shines his shoes.] Too bad about that chocolate guy. Walter... Er, Waldo...
Charlie Bucket: Willy Wonka.
Willy Wonka: Right, him. Did you ever meet him?
Charlie Bucket: I met him. I thought he was great at first. Then he didn't turn out that nice. And he has a funny haircut.
Willy Wonka: [throwing the newspaper down.] I do not!