Ford Fairlane: 1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherfucking genius, Jimi Hendrix.
Kim Baker: I'm wondering if you can give me something... On background, just about the security situation here and the state of the war in general.
General Hollanek: Yeah, I can give you something... This war's like fucking a gorilla, you keep on going until the gorilla wants to stop.
Kim Baker: I think I can paraphrase that.
General Hollanek: Knock yourself out.
Gen. Glen McMahon: God damn it, Pete. Why are you fat?
Michael Bryce: This guy single-handedly ruined the word motherfucker.
Terry: Time flies.
Gatsby Welles: Yes, unfortunately, it flies coach.
Terry: What's that supposed to mean?
Gatsby Welles: It's not always a comfortable trip.
[Randal reads a newspaper while a customer studies two rental choices.]
Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good.
[Randal continues reading, not even acknowledging her.]
Customer: Are either of these any good?
[Randal continues to read.]
Customer: Sir!
Randal: What?
Customer: Are either of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either of them?
Randal: No.
Customer: You've never heard anybody say anything about either movie?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
[The customer turns around, then turns back with the same two movies.]
Customer: Well, how about these two movies?
[Randal still never looks up.]
Randal: They suck!
Customer: I just held up the same two movies. You're not even paying attention.
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I only pointed out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal: I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well this is the last time I ever rent here...
Randal: You'll be missed.
Customer: Screw you!
[The customer storms out. Randal runs out into the street.]
Randal: Hey you're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: Yeah!
Master Oogway: There is a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.
Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... Because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!
Motormouth Maybelle: [to Seaweed and Penny.] Oh, so this is love? [She pauses and then smiles.] Well, love is a gift, a lot of people don't remember that. So, you two better brace yourselves for a whole lotta ugly comin' at you from a neverending parade of stupid.
Penny Pingleton: [Totally serious.] So, you've met my mom?
Juliet: A man doesn't make you strong, but the right partner can make you stronger.
Henry: I saw her ankles.
Captain Jack Sparrow: You would've seen a lot more if you kept your cakehole shut.
Genie: I made you look like a prince on the outside, but I didn't change anything on the inside. Prince Ali got you to the door, but Aladdin has to open it.
Clerk: Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Jive Man: Ain't no thing.
Defense Attorney: Would you describe, in your own words, what happened that night?
Jive Man: Check it, bleed. Bro was on! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bones, Homes. So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother. Shit.
Vivian: Oh...Look honey, I have a runner in my pantyhose. Oops! I'm not wearing panty hose!
Woman at elevator: Shut your mouth, dear.
Donna: I grew up.
Tanya: Well, grow back down then!
Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it looked like you weren't coming back we should try to make you a son so that a part of you could live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh, sure.
Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years, we got a little impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!
Ivana Humpalot: My name is Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
Austin Powers: Excuse me?
Ivana Humpalot: Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: And I want a toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards now, is it?
Rev. Brown: I got a special treat for ya' this evening, a young man that you all know as Joe the Policeman from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's My Momma." I want you to put your hands together, and welcome him to the stage. Big round of applauds for Jackson Heights own, Mr. Randy Watson, YES! Randy Watson.
Chinese Food Lady: And then?
Jesse: No "and then"!
Chinese Food Lady: And then?