Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police (2004)

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Chris: Surprise, cockfags!

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Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... Because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!

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Helen Hunt: I'm... Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel L. Jackson!
Matt Damon: Mmmaaattt Dammmmmooonnnn!

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Sean Penn: Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

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Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston: I promise I'll never die.

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Chris: Jesus tittyfucking Christ dude, I could have sworn she was telling the truth!
Gary Johnston: That's why they call it acting.

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Gary Johnston: A limousine that can fly? Now I have seen everything!
Spottswoode: Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Gary Johnston: No.
Spottswoode: Then you haven't seen everything.

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Chris: You might have all the others fooled, but not me. Your action was reckless and it put us all in danger. The next time you pull a stunt like that I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions, you got it?

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Janeane Garofolo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.

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Joe: Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!

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Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the new world is inevitable.
Lisa: It's what?
Kim Jong Il: Inevit - inevitable.
Lisa: One more time?
Kim Jong Il: Inevitable! Things are inevitably going to change! Goddamnit, open your fuckin' ears!

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News Reporter: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world by blowing up half of Cairo.

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Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.

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Gary Johnston: But, I thought you weren't gay?
Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!

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Kim Jong Il: It will be 911 times 2356.
Chris: My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!

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Guy in Bar: See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit.

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Gary Johnston: HOLY SHIT! What happened to the base?
Intelligence: It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.

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Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?
Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!

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Lisa: Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

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Spottswoode: Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America."
Intelligence: Yes, there is.

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