Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... Because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!
Janeane Garofolo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
News Reporter: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world by blowing up half of Cairo.
Gary Johnston: But, I thought you weren't gay?
Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!
Guy in Bar: See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit.
Gary Johnston: HOLY SHIT! What happened to the base?
Intelligence: It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.
Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?
Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!