Hitch: I just know that I want to be... Miserable. Like, *really* miserable. But hey, if that's what it takes for me to be happy, then... Wait, that didn't come out right.
Olaf: I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs!
Kristoff: Those are my legs.
Cartman: Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
[Gasp from the class.]
Mr. Garrison: Eric! Did you just say the "F" word?
Cartman: [confused.] Jew?
Kyle: No, not Jew! He's talking about "fuck"! You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: [Muffled.] Fuck.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
[Gasp from the class.]
Mr. Garrison: What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[Cartman pulls out a bullhorn.]
Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS? MR. Garrison.
Stan: Holy shit, dude.
Dr. Phil: What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need that you gotta "get" somebody all the time?
Madea: Well when you gettin' "got" and somebody done "got" you and you go "get" them, when you get 'em everybody's gon' get got.
Dr. Phil: Yeah but you're gettin' the gotters when they didn't do anything to even get you.
Madea: Yeah but if the gotters get me I'm gonna get my glock.
Walter Mitty: To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer, to find each other, and to feel. That is the purpose of life.
Astrid Young Teo: It was never my job to make you feel like a man. I can't make you something you're not.
Bernard: Curtis, you're 900 years old. Grow up.
Claude Banks: Don't touch this car.
Rayford Gibson: 'Cause I piss on the motherfucker. I ain't gonna touch it, I piss on it.
Claude Banks: Why you got to say nasty shit, Ray?
Rayford Gibson: 'Cause I'm a nasty motherfucker.
Patch Adams: You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome.
Crawl: Let's just get the rules straight here. There'll be absolutely no partying in this hall between the hours of 5 and 6 in the morning, without my express written permission. OK cool. Carry on.
Coach Finstock: There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.
Mexican girl: Which one do you like?
Carmen: I like the one that's not so smart.
Mexican girl: Which one is that?
Gavin: There are two dilemmas... that rattle the human skull. How do you hold onto someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?
Novalee Nation: What do you think? It took me a whole month to get back to my old size.
Thelma 'Sister' Husband: Oh, well, a little weight on a woman is no harm.
Wyatt: By the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?
Gary: It's ceremonial.
[Later, after Wyatt talks to Chet, Wyatt begins to leave the kitchen and Chet sees him wearing women's underwear.]
Chet: Like your panties.
Wyatt: [walking back into kitchen] It's a joke, Chet. Really.
Chet: No. That is not a joke. That is a severe behavioral disorder. Next thing you know you'll be wearing a bra on your head.
Darla: Waldo, I think we have to turn here.
Waldo: Girls have no sense of direction.
Darla: You know, you're starting to get on my nerves.
Melody: I didn't get your name.
Lightfoot: Well, I didn't give it to ya'. My name is Lightfoot.
Melody: "Lightfoot"?
Lightfoot: That's right.
Melody: That's a dumb name. I mean, what kind of person would name a kid that, ya' know?
Lightfoot: What's your name?
Melody: Melody.
Lightfoot: "Melody"? That's not a dumb name?.. Hey, maybe we had the same father?
Michael: [At the wake.] Great tradition! They throw a great party for you on the one day they know you can't come!
Fred Claus: Nick, there's been one thing that's been eating at me since I've been here. That Naughty-Nice List that you got? There's no naughty kids, Nick. They're all good kids. But some of them are scared. And some of them don't feel listened to. Some of them had some pretty tough breaks too. But every kid deserves a present on Christmas.