Best comedy movie quotes of all time

Instructor: Impressive shooting, Montgomery. You realize though, that you missed the target in the middle?
Earl Montgomery: Who, the brother? Oh I wasn't shooting at him.
Instructor: Mind telling me why not?
Earl Montgomery: He don't look suspicious, to me. Look at'em. One lone brother, surrounded by four white guys with guns? The man is terrified. What you want him to do, tap dance? Don't worry brother, I got you. Don't be afraid to dial 911. I keeps it clean, when Earl Montgomery's on the scene. What the problem is?

Frank Pesce Jr.: I wanna do something I never did before.
Frank Pesce Sr.: Oh really, then why don't you go upstairs and clean your fucking room.

Strip Club Manager: I need a lap dance, table 5. Don’t get too close, the guy smells like asparagus pee and he’s got a hook hand.

Gurgle: Oh, the human mouth is a disgusting place.

Jakob Heym: Hitler goes to a fortune-teller and asks, "When will I die?" And the fortune-teller replies, "On a Jewish holiday." Hitler then asks, "How do you know that?" And she replies, "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Resputia Latimore: Hey Norbit, what you looking at?
Norbit Wright: Just some kids coming down the slide.
Resputia Latimore: Oh I see what you looking at, you want to see a bitch come down the slide, Imma show you how a bitch come down the slide.

Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.

Romeo Posar: Now THAT was a defining moment. And the definition was "shit."

Judge Wexler: The Scolari brothers.
Ray: Friends of yours?
Judge Wexler: I tried them for murder. Gave them the chair. You gotta do something.
Egon: Why don't you just tell them you don't believe in ghosts?

Lisa: If you want to be a party animal, you have to learn to live in a jungle.

Miller: Nobody follow us, or I kill myself and then her.

Student: We, er, shot one of them in the, em, throat.
Rory Breaker: What do you want? A medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back.

Dr. Grace Hart: Shall we begin the autopsy? Dr. Grace Hart.
Watson: A woman doctor?
Holmes: Impossible. Fortunately we have a real doctor here.
Watson: Would you like some heroin?

Shaggy: This is tied for scariest day of my life!
Velma: Tied with what?
Shaggy: Every other freaking day of my life!

Mindy Macready: You don't have to be a bad-ass to be a superhero. You just have to be brave.

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact tall is large and grande is spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.
Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really says who: Fellini? Do you accept Lira, or is it all Euros now?

Phil Connors: What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today!

Pops Romano: I got an announcement to make. My son here, this big lug, He's a fruit. And I don't care who knows it. Come here you gay bastard, I love ya. The other one, he can't read a stop sign. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Come here you freakin' retard, I love ya.

Summer Quinn: And not a single fuck was given.

Tiffany: I was a slut. There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?