Andy: I dated this girl for a while... She was really a... Nasty freak. She just loved to... Get down with... Sex all the time. It was like... Anytime of day... She was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty! And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! Cool!"
Ben Gates: Before the Civil War, the states were all separate. People used to say "the United States are..." It wasn't until the war ended that people started saying "the United States is..." Under Lincoln, we became one nation.
M. Gustave: Well, what does it say? Where is it? What's it all about, damn it? Don't keep us in suspense, Serge, this has been a complete fucking nightmare! Just tell us what the fuck is going on!
Vanessa: Ho-ly shit! Well look who got beaten with the ugly stick. Bob, is that you? My God, I can't believe such an itty bitty gun could make such a big mess out of someone! You are so ugly Bob! Oh and hey I heard you have one of those poop bags where the shit comes out the side, you're just a big old shitbag aren't you Bob! I hope you think of me every time you shit in that thing, motherfucker!
Rev. Brown: I got a special treat for ya' this evening, a young man that you all know as Joe the Policeman from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's My Momma." I want you to put your hands together, and welcome him to the stage. Big round of applauds for Jackson Heights own, Mr. Randy Watson, YES! Randy Watson.
Kar: So, I figured it out, why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. See, the thing is, life doesn't always work out according to plan so be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog.
Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and...[looks at his pocket watch]...seven minutes ago... We, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure conceived by our new friends, Bill...and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other. And... Party on, dudes!
Georgia Byrd: I didn't come here to make an impression on anybody, I just came here to blow every last cent I had.
Willow: What are you doing?
Madmartigan: I found some blackroot. She loves it.
Willow: Blackroot? I am the father of two children and you never, ever give a baby blackroot.
Madmartigan: Well my mother raised us on blackroot. It's good for you. Puts hair on your chest. Doesn't it, Sticks?
Willow: Her name is not Sticks. She's Elora Danan, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she's gonna want is a hairy chest.