Best comedy movie quotes of all time

Puss-in-Boots: Fear me, if you dare.

Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.

Lt. Mauser: At this point in time, yours truly was the object of a malicious prank. Now, can anybody in here tell me how this happened? [holds up his hands to show his palms covered in hair.].
Officer Mahoney: I can, sir. And if you don't stop that, you could go blind.

Ferris: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Dr. Phil: What is wrong with you? Why do you feel the need that you gotta "get" somebody all the time?
Madea: Well when you gettin' "got" and somebody done "got" you and you go "get" them, when you get 'em everybody's gon' get got.
Dr. Phil: Yeah but you're gettin' the gotters when they didn't do anything to even get you.
Madea: Yeah but if the gotters get me I'm gonna get my glock.

[Randal reads a newspaper while a customer studies two rental choices.]
Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good.
[Randal continues reading, not even ackowledging her.]
Customer: Are either of these any good?
[Randal continues to read.]
Customer: Sir!
Randal: What?
Customer: Are either of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either of them?
Randal: No.
Customer: You've never heard anybody say anything about either movie?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
[The customer turns around, then turns back with the same two movies.]
Customer: Well, how about these two movies?
[Randal still never looks up.]
Randal: They suck!
Customer: I just held up the same two movies. You're not even paying attention.
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Customer: I only pointed out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal: I hope it feels good.
Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There is nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Customer: Well this is the last time I ever rent here...
Randal: You'll be missed.
Customer: Screw you!
[The customer storms out. Randal runs out into the street.]
Randal: Hey you're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: Yeah!

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.

Stan Podalak: Let me help! Let me help! I can help! I can help!
Michael Jordan: What can you do?
Stan Podalak: Well, I may not be very tall, but... I'm slow.
Sylvester: And large.
Daffy Duck: And a dork.

Inga: Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?
Fredrick Frankenstein: MY NAME...IS FRANKENSTEIN!

Agent Zoil: Motherfucking, titty-sucking two-balled bitch!

Gunderson: He's all over the place! Nine hundred feet up to 1300 feet. What an asshole!

Commissioner Brumford: [On phone.] Hello? He did what? How many animals escaped? Oh, my god.
Frank: Hello, Commissioner. You're looking lovely this evening.
Commissioner Brumford: Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
Frank: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?

Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

George McFly: Lou. Give me a milk... Chocolate.

Natalie: Hello, David. I mean "sir." Shit, I can't believe I've just said that. Oh, and now I've gone and said "shit" - twice. I'm so sorry, sir.
Prime Minister: It's fine, it's fine. You could've said "fuck", and then we'd have been in real trouble.
Natalie: Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was going to fuck up on the first day. Oh, piss it!

Nick Parker: You two help Meredith.
Meredith Blake: Sure you'll help me. Right over a cliff, you'll help me.
Hallie Parker: Not a bad idea.
Annie James: Yeah, see any cliffs?

Nick Mercer: I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.

Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry: Oh.
Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry: Where did you get 25 extra bucks?
Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy on 4C.
Harry: The blind kid?
Lloyd: [Laughing.] Yeah, yeah.
Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd: You know, stuff.
Harry: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd: Few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, [coughs.] Petey.
Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd, wh- he- wha- Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it.

[Having pulled over a speeding driver.]
Mac: All right, how about Cat Game?
Foster: Cat Game? What's the record?
Mac: Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.
Foster: Ten? Starting right meow?
[They go up to the car.]
Driver: Sorry about the...
Foster: All right meow. Hand over your license and registration.
[The man gives him his license.]
Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow.
Driver: [laughing.] Sorry.
Foster: Is there something funny here boy?
Driver: Oh, no.
Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?
[Foster stares at him.]
Foster: All right meow, where were we?
Driver: Excuse me, are you saying meow?
Foster: Am I saying meow?
Driver: I thought...
Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, do you know how fast you were going?
[The man laughs.]
Foster: Meow. What is so damn funny?
Driver: I could have sworn you said meow.
Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?
[The man is uncontrollably laughing.]
Foster: You stop laughing right meow!
Driver: [Stops and swallows hard.] Yes sir.
Foster: Meow, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. It's the law.
[Rips off the ticket and hands it to the man.]
Foster: Not so funny meow, is it?
[Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows.]
Foster: Meow!

Lane Myer: Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky.