Angelique Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... Or I'll put you back in the box.
Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!
Carolyn Stoddard: Are you stoned or something?
Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.
Barnabas Collins: Tell me, what do you know of Barnabas Collins?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Just legends, really. Two centuries ago, a witch turned him into a vampire and locked him away.
Barnabas Collins: What is known of his death?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Nothing.
Barnabas Collins: That, madam, is because he never died.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff and proper and old-fashioned.
Barnabas Collins: And Victoria? Is she not proper?
Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock'n'roll, but she's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
Barnabas Collins: Ahhh, music... Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day."I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the sun."
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: His name was Barnabas Collins, and he was the finest man this family ever knew.
Barnabas Collins: Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!
Barnabas Collins: My name is Barnabas Collins. Two centuries ago, I made Collinwood my home... Until a jealous witch cursed me, condemning me to the shadows, for all time.