Robin Hood: For my first order of business, I wish to appoint a new Sheriff of Rottingham. My friend, Achoo.
Achoo: All right.
Crowd: A black sheriff?
Blinkin: He's black?
Achoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.
Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before, Loxley. But now, I'm really pissed off.
Achoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worried about getting pissed on.
King Richard: You are no longer worthy to wear this scared symbol of authority.
Prince John: Oh, please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.
Crowd: [coughing] Bullshit! Bullshit!
King Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench. From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as...Johns.
Prince John: NOOOOOOOOO!
King Richard: Take him away. Put him in the Tower of London. Make him part of the tour.
Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle.
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. This never would have happened if your father were alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while you were away.
Robin Hood: And my brothers?
Blinkin: They all died of the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog Pongo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [tearing up.] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
Robin Hood: I owe you a great debt of gratitude, my friend. I am called Robin of Loxley.
Asneeze: My name is Asneeze. Father of Achoo.
Robin Hood: Bless you.
Asneeze: No, no, no, no, no. Achoo is my son. He's in England. Your country. He's an exchange student. I'd like you to look after him. He's in need of guidance. He is headstrong and cocksure. Or is it the other way around?
[Blinkin has snatched an arrow from mid-air as it's about to hit Robin.]
Achoo: How did you do that?
Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away.
Robin Hood: Very good, Blinkin. Well done.
Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking?
Robin Hood: Darling, what are you doing here?
Maid Marian: I've come to warn you. Prince John and the sheriff have hired murderers to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You mustn't go.
Robin Hood: But, that's easy. I won't.
Maid Marian: Oh, I'm so happy. They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
Robin Hood: An archery contest?
Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable.
Robin Hood: Really?
Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go.
Robin Hood: Alright. I promise you won't go.
Maid Marian: Oh, thank you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: ENOUGH! King, illegal, forest, to, pig, wild, kill, in, it, a, is.
Maid Marian/Robin Hood: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know, it is illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit in the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
Prince John: Careful, Robin. You go too far.
Robin Hood: I've only just begun. I've come to warn you, that if you don't stop levying these evil taxes, I shall lead the good people of England in a revolt against you.
Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?
Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
Prison guard: Where is your king?
Robin Hood: King? Which king would that be? King Louie? King Richard? King Kong? Larry King?