Cledus Snow: You can't drive a fork lift.
Bandit: I can drive any forkin' thing around.
Jerry Landers: How can you permit all the *suffering* that goes on in the world?
God: Ah, how can *I* permit the suffering?
Jerry Landers: Yeah!
God: I don't permit the suffering. You do! Free will. All the choices are yours.
Jerry Landers: Choices? What choices?
God: You can love each other, cherish and nurture each other or you can kill each other. Incidentally, "kill" is the word. It's not "waste." If I meant "waste" I would have written "thou shalt not waste." You're doing some very funny things with words, here. You're also turning the sky into mud. I look down, I can't believe the filth. Using the rivers for toilets, poisoning my fishes. You want a miracle? *You* make a fish from scratch. You can't. You think only God can make a tree? Try coming up with a mackerel. And when the last one is gone, that'll be that. Eighty-six on the fishes, goodbye sky, so long world, over and out.
Paula McFadden: I thought you said you were decent.
Elliot Garfield: I am decent. I also happen to be naked.
Narrator: More offensive than "Mandingo." More shocking than "Behind the Green Door." More erotic than "Deep Throat." You will cream in your jeans when you see "Catholic High School Girls in Trouble."
Tanner Boyle: Jews, Spics, Ni**ers and a Wop that throws airballs.
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Professor Little Old Man.
Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: "Lillolman." "Lillolman."
Jim Carr: Here's a name for you nostalgia fans: Clarence "Screaming Buffalo" Swamptown. I'll never forget an exclusive interview in which Swamptown revealed that he calls his hockey stick the "Big Tomahawk," and he usually refers to the opposing players as "the little scalps."
Alvy's Classmate: I'm into leather.
Narrator: It is the middle of the dark ages, ages darker than anyone had ever expected.
Jane Harper: What kind of lunatic spends $1000 on lunch when he's out of a job and deeply in debt?
Dick Harper: The kind that knows you can't get a job if you look like a loser.
Jane Harper: If I was Diners Club, I'd your stomach bronzed and put it in the Hall of Fame.
Priory: Mind the axe, my lady.