Cledus Snow: You can't drive a fork lift.
Bandit: I can drive any forkin' thing around.
Paula McFadden: I thought you said you were decent.
Elliot Garfield: I am decent. I also happen to be naked.
Jerry Landers: How can you permit all the *suffering* that goes on in the world?
God: Ah, how can *I* permit the suffering?
Jerry Landers: Yeah!
God: I don't permit the suffering. You do! Free will. All the choices are yours.
Jerry Landers: Choices? What choices?
God: You can love each other, cherish and nurture each other or you can kill each other. Incidentally, "kill" is the word. It's not "waste." If I meant "waste" I would have written "thou shalt not waste." You're doing some very funny things with words, here. You're also turning the sky into mud. I look down, I can't believe the filth. Using the rivers for toilets, poisoning my fishes. You want a miracle? *You* make a fish from scratch. You can't. You think only God can make a tree? Try coming up with a mackerel. And when the last one is gone, that'll be that. Eighty-six on the fishes, goodbye sky, so long world, over and out.
Henry Gibson: In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer.
Dr. Richard H. Thorndyke: Professor Little Old Man.
Dr. Vicktor Lillolman: "Lillolman." "Lillolman."
Tanner Boyle: Jews, Spics, Ni**ers and a Wop that throws airballs.
McGrath: Every scout in the NHL is out there tonight, with contracts in their pockets, and they're looking for talent. For winners. oooooooooh. All my years of publicity. All the fashion shows and radiothons for nothing... They come here tonight... to scout the Chiefs... the toughest team in the Federal League! Not this! Buncha... pussies."
Robin: There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at Princeton. Oh, and the short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.
Alvy Singer: Yeah? Two more chairs they got a dining room set.
Cluny: We don't do it because someone is forcing us, we do it because we love Gran.
King Bruno the Questionable: Guards... kill that man.
Jane Harper: What kind of lunatic spends $1000 on lunch when he's out of a job and deeply in debt?
Dick Harper: The kind that knows you can't get a job if you look like a loser.
Jane Harper: If I was Diners Club, I'd your stomach bronzed and put it in the Hall of Fame.