Earl Smooter: You can't ride two horses with one ass, sugarbean.
Jake: The only reason I ain't signing is cause you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch, and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off.
Melanie Carmichael: You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake, and I want you to be the last.
Jake: Nobody finds their soul mate when they're ten. I mean, where's the fun in that, right?
Melanie Carmichael: And don't even pretend like you missed me.
Jake: Oh, I missed you all right, but at this range, my aim is bound to improve.
Bobby Ray: What'd I ever do to you?
Melanie Carmichael: Oh, you didn't do anything to me, darlin'... Or any other girl in town!
Melanie Carmichael: Well, you must be Jake's hot date. I'm Melanie, Jake's snotty Yankee bitch wife whom he refuses to divorce.
Jake: What the hell is this? Chick food?
Melanie Carmichael: Light beer. Less calories.