DI Jack Mooney: My grandfather told me a story once, about these two wolves fighting inside all of us. And one of them is anger, envy, self-pity, regret. The other one is love, truth, faith, hope, that sort of thing.
And I asked him "which one of the wolves would win?" And do you know what he said?
"The one you feed." (00:18:15)
Communication Problems (a.k.a. Theft) - S2-E1
Mrs Richards: And another thing. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: [whispering to Manuel.] Deaf, Mad and Blind. [To Mrs Richards.] Yes, this is the view as far as I can remember... Yes, yes it is.
Mrs Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: But that is Torquay, madam.
Mrs Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain...
Mrs Richards: [interrupting.] Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You CAN see the sea! It's over there between the land and the sky!
Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well might I suggest you move to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it.
Mrs Richards: Now listen to me. I'm not satisified but I've decided to stay. HOWEVER, I shall expect a deduction.
Basil: Why, because Krakatoa isn't erupting at the moment?
Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
Basil: No, the radio works. You don't.
Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4
[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.
Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.
Harry Stone: Who's first, Mac?
Mac: People versus Shibata.
Harry Stone: To what do we owe the pleasure of Mr. Shibata's company?
Dan Fielding: Well, sir, it seems Mr. Shibata was caught rolling for dollars with, um, these three rarely upstanding women.
Harry Stone: All three? That's illegal. And quite impressive.
Dan Fielding: When he was apprehended he had a fifty gallon drum of soy sauce and they were in the middle of something called a "Sukiyaki Slam-bam."
Christine Sullivan: Uh, sir, uh, while neighbors in adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours I believe that Mr. S...
Mac/Harry/Dan: Seven hours?!
[Mr. Shibata bows to Dan, Harry, and Mac and they bow back]
Dan Fielding: My god, man, how do you do it?
Mr. Shibata: Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters and sit in a barrel of pickle brine.
Dan Fielding: [to stenographer] You got that?
[Stenographer nods].
The Post-Modern Prometheus - S5-E5
[After spilling coffee on his lap.]
Mulder: Great, now my crotch will be up all night.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie... It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.
My Problem With Popplers (a.k.a. The Problem With Popplers) - S2-E18
Fry/Bender: Pop a Poppler in your mouth, When you come to Fishy Joe's, What they're made of is a mystery, Where they come from, no one knows. You can pick 'em, you can lick 'em, You can chew 'em, you can stick 'em, And if you promise not to sue us, You can shove one up your nose.
President Josiah Bartlet: What's next?
Chocolate With Nuts / Mermaid Man And Barnacle Boy V - S3-E11
Spongebob: Quick, Patrick. If you could have anything right now, what would it be?
Patrick: Um...more time for thinking?
Doctor: So, that's the trap. Or the test or the final judgment, I don't know. But if I kill you, I kill her. Except that implies, in this big grand scheme of Gods and Devils, that she's just a victim. But I've seen a lot of this universe. I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demi-gods and would-be gods - out of all that - out of that whole pantheon - if I believe in one thing... Just one thing... I believe in her.
Riots, Drills and the Devil: Part 1 - S1-E6
T-Bag: Can't you transfer us some place cooler? Like Africa? (00:16:20)
The Reunion - S1-E14
Ike: How's it feel to be a working man?
John-Boy: Ike, Mama would skin me alive! Everyone knows those two ladies make bootleg whiskey.
Ike: But they don't know what they're doing. They're just following their papa's Recipe.
John-Boy: But sometimes they sell it!
Ike: Yeah, but they're just like two little girls by a roadside selling lemonade.
Ben Cartwright: You and your education.
Adam Cartwright: Education is progress! Now what have you got against it?
Ben Cartwright: I don't have anything against education - as long as it doesn't interfere with your thinking.
Corporal Randolph Agarn: How do you get to Fort Courage? That's easy. You take a right at the rock that looks like a bear, then a left at the bear that looks like a rock.
John Diggle: The knife.
Oliver Queen: Right. The knife. I got lucky.
John Diggle: That was a kitchen knife. It wasn't even weighted properly and yet you threw it with accuracy across a ten foot room.
Oliver Queen: Exactly. I got lucky.
Kev: What about bees?
Cassidy: Bees. Did you just say bees?
Kev: Yeah, like on Wicker Man. Put a cage around his head and release the bees.
Cassidy: Christ.
Hoover: I vote stabbing.
Cassidy: Look, the Wicker Man is a brilliant film, but we're talking about killing a man here, Kev.
Kev: I know.
Cassidy: No, you don't! Look, where are you even gonna get bees from? What, you have ready access to bees all of a sudden? You a beekeeper now, are you?
Kev: Yeah, I am.
Cassidy: You are?
Kev: Yes.
Cassidy: Beekeeper...? All right. Apologies. I'm sorry. It's actually...it's a brilliant idea, we'll go with the bees. Do you wanna do the bees? Let's do the bees. I'd imagine we need some honey.