Best TV quotes of all time

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The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air picture

Bang the Drum, Ashley - S1-E2

Vivian: Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown.
Will: He liked James Brown?
Vivian: Even wore his hair like him.
Will: He had hair?

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Married... with Children picture

The Mystery of Skull Island - S6-E14

Al Bundy: "I Care", by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitchers on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I SWEAR!

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Little House on the Prairie picture

Laura: I hate that Nellie Oleson.
Caroline: Laura! Don't say "hate" - don't even think "hate"! I'm sure Nellie has her good qualities somewhere.
Charles: Your ma's right, half-pint. Now on the way home, we'll try and think of some.

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Star Trek picture

Spock: Live long and prosper.

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Criminal Minds picture

Extreme Aggressor - S1-E1

Agent Hotchner: This is Special Agent Dr. Reid.
Man: You look too young to have gone to medical school.
Agent Reid: They are PhD's. Three of them.
Man: What, are you a genius or something?
Agent Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, can read 20,000 words per minute...yes, I'm a genius.

Ssiscool Premium member

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Charmed picture

Cole: Phoebe, I love you. I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you?

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Have Gun - Will Travel picture

Paladin: I don't think you got a very good look at this gun while you had it. The balance is perfect. This trigger responds to a pressure of one ounce. If you look carefully in the barrel you'll see the lines of the rifling. It's a rarity in a hand weapon. This gun was handcrafted to my specifications and I rarely draw it unless I mean to use it. Would you care for a demonstration?

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Stargate SG-1 picture

The Other Guys - S6-E8

Coombs: I knew I should have updated my will before agreeing to off-world assignments.
Felger: You are not going to die, Coombs.
Coombs: Oh, come on, Felger. We might as well be wearing red shirts.
Felger: I don't get that.

Super Grover Premium member

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The Brady Bunch picture

Bobby Brady: Mom always says not to play ball in the house.

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Glee picture

Showmance - S1-E2

Rachel: I tried, but I don't have a gag reflex.
Emma: When you're older, that will turn out to be a gift.

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Everybody Loves Raymond picture

Frank Barone: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie Barone: Ham.
Frank Barone: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

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SpongeBob SquarePants picture

Dying For Pie / Imitation Krabs - S2-E6

Mr. Krabs: What's the most important rule here?
Spongebob: No free napkins?
Mr. Krabs: No, the other most important rule!
Spongebob: Only discuss the secret formula with Mr Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: As long as you do that, the formula is safe.
Squidward: I thought the most important rule was why do today what you can put off for tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: But what's today, but yesterday's tomorrow?
Squidward: What?

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Gilmore Girls picture

Pilot - S1-E1

Rory: You sound happy.
Lorelai: I am, kid.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy.

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Scrubs picture

Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie... It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns.

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Preacher picture

The Tom/Brady - S3-E8

Kev: What about bees?
Cassidy: Bees. Did you just say bees?
Kev: Yeah, like on Wicker Man. Put a cage around his head and release the bees.
Cassidy: Christ.
Hoover: I vote stabbing.
Cassidy: Look, the Wicker Man is a brilliant film, but we're talking about killing a man here, Kev.
Kev: I know.
Cassidy: No, you don't! Look, where are you even gonna get bees from? What, you have ready access to bees all of a sudden? You a beekeeper now, are you?
Kev: Yeah, I am.
Cassidy: You are?
Kev: Yes.
Cassidy: Beekeeper...? All right. Apologies. I'm sorry. It's actually...it's a brilliant idea, we'll go with the bees. Do you wanna do the bees? Let's do the bees. I'd imagine we need some honey.

Jon Sandys Premium member

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