Naomi Oates Harper: Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?
Sonja Harper: Well, she told me never to marry a locksmith.
Naomi Oates Harper: Oh, you just love to put people down, don't you, Mrs. Harper?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: It is not only a pleasure, I see it as my duty.
Naomi Oates Harper: Magic moments between a man and a woman are spiritual and ought not to be screwed with.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, Buzz, I believe you've gotten taller behind my back.
Vinton Harper: Sorry.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: From now on, I'm not gonna give my family anything but hell.
Naomi Oates Harper: I love a Boy's Choir at Christmas.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: That's 'cause you've never had to sit through one.
Bubba Higgins: Grandma, you've got to admit it... There's nothing like the tree to get you into that Christmas spirit.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Yeah, sure, nothing gives me more comfort and joy than cleaning up pine needles for two weeks.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I wanna kill myself! Quick! Gimme somethin' Naomi made.
Vinton Harper: Here, Mama. Try one of these Spam and anchovy sandwiches.
Iola Lucille Boyland: I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.
Bubba Higgins: Yeah, and it balances it out, too.
Ellen Jackson: Vint, I don't ever lend money. Not ever. I just don't. Ever.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: The only way to keep from goin' crazy in this house is to stay half lit.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Franny, don't drink if you can't hold your hooch.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: For 50 years I have been in charge of Christmas. I've jingled your bells and I've roasted your chestnuts. This Christmas you goons can just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.
Ellen Jackson: Aunt Fran, Mama has some good news and bad news. The bad news is... there isn't any good news.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: My dogs are barkin'.
Vinton Harper: Thanks a lot, Mama.
Bubba Higgins: Grandma doesn't give me any rights.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: You have the right to remain silent.
Eunice Higgins: If you want your talent appreciated in this world, you gotta go to Broadway.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: From now on if we have any backstabbing to do were going to do it the way we have always done it face to face.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Good Lord.