Best comedy TV quotes of all time

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Movie Quote Quiz
The Golden Girls picture

Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?

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M*A*S*H picture

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet - S1-E17

Henry Blake: All I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war, and rule number one is that young men die. And rule number two is that doctors can't change rule number one.

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The Big Bang Theory picture

The Extract Obliteration - S6-E6

Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I love brain teasers.
Stephen Hawking: What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener, neener.

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Friends picture

The One With Ross's Teeth - S6-E8

Monica: What happened to your teeth?
Ross: I whitened them.
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Yeah, what... What do you think?
Monica: Well, uh, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
Ross: Come on, seriously.
Monica: Ross, they're really, really, really white!
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old... Human teeth?
Ross: Well, I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.
Monica: How much longer?
Ross: Uh, uh... A day.
Monica: Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
Ross: I know! That's why I did it! Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler: No. No, no, no, you'll be fine. Hilary's blind, right?
Monica: She will be after tonight.

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Lost in Space picture

Robot: Danger, Will Robinson! Danger.

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Frasier picture

Selling Out - S1-E9

Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

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Family Guy picture

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein - S3-E22

Peter Griffin: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

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The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air picture

Bang the Drum, Ashley - S1-E2

Vivian: Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown.
Will: He liked James Brown?
Vivian: Even wore his hair like him.
Will: He had hair?

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Charmed picture

Cole: Phoebe, I love you. I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you?

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Father Ted picture

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta.
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father.
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do. And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal.
[Dougal shakes his head.]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter. When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more.]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta.

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Married... with Children picture

The Mystery of Skull Island - S6-E14

Al Bundy: "I Care", by Al Bundy. When hooters jiggle around and I find nickels on the ground, I care. When a Mustang engine purrs and the bathroom is not hers, I care. When the pitchers on the mound and the wife is underground, I care. But when I've been playing this for days, I will kill anyone who stays, I SWEAR!

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The Office picture

Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.

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Mama's Family picture

Naomi Oates Harper: Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?
Sonja Harper: Well, she told me never to marry a locksmith.

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3rd Rock from the Sun picture

See Dick Run (1) - S1-E20

Sally: You know, I just really resent how we're supposed to jump every time the Big Giant Head sends a message.
Dick: I know. Everyone knows he only got the job by kissing the big giant butt.

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Glee picture

Showmance - S1-E2

Rachel: I tried, but I don't have a gag reflex.
Emma: When you're older, that will turn out to be a gift.

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The Brady Bunch picture

Bobby Brady: Mom always says not to play ball in the house.

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