Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.
Wally Cleaver: I don't get that.
Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.
Eddie Haskell: Not me! Your father doesn't like me.
Wally Cleaver: Why would you say that?
Eddie Haskell: On account of the way he looks at me when he opens the door. Sometimes I think he'd be happier to see Khrushchev standing there.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You know something, Wally? I'd rather do nothin' with you than somethin' with anybody else.
Fred Rutherford: Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come Eddie's such a creepy guy?
Wally Cleaver: He works at it.
Gilbert Bates: There's nothin' sadder than seein' old people try to be happy.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I could use my own money, the twenty-five dollars I got in the bank.
Wally Cleaver: I thought you were saving that to go to college.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Larry says he never heard of a college you could go to for twenty-five dollars.
June Cleaver: Eddie, would you care to stay for dinner? We're having roast beef.
Eddie Haskell: No thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. I really must be getting home. We're having squab this evening.
Larry Mondello: That was a great jungle movie, huh Beav?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Yeah, but there was too much kissin' and not enough apes.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at.
Wally Cleaver: That's your tough luck.
Ward Cleaver: Sometimes I wish I had stayed single and raised silver foxes.
Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town.
Wally Cleaver: Beaver... you got crumbs in the butter again. Boy, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's crumbs in the butter.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Sorry Wally. That must have happened when it fell on the floor.
Wally Cleaver: Dry up, Beaver.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Violet Rutherford drinks gutter water.