Family Guy

Family Guy (1999)

44 quotes

Lois: Hello?
Peter: I can't take the trash out today, I'm working late at the office.
Lois: The caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
Peter: [Edging sideways.] OK, can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Now I am at the office.

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When You Wish Upon a Weinstein - S3-E22

Peter Griffin: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

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Petarded - S4-E6

Peter Griffin: Your Honor, I call to the stand my surprise witness: The Ghost That Never Lies.
Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOH!
Peter Griffin: But only I can see him and hear him, so I'll tell you what he's doing and saying.
Child Welfare Agent: Objection, Your Honor! This is ridiculous!
Judge: Objection overruled. I'll allow it. You had better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin.
Peter Griffin: Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

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Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.
Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian: That's Street Fighter.
Peter: Red, blue, green...
Brian: Those are colors.

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Barely Legal - S5-E8

Connie: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed. So, you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have this theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian, let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, no. Hang on a minute, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve. But now you can't stand to look in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age nineteen, you're gonna be a worn out chalky skinned burlap sack that even your own stepdad won't want. How is that? Am I in the ballpark?
[Connie runs off crying.].

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Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself. I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
[Lois and Peter stare in silence.]
Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts.
[Peter and Lois keep staring.]
Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me! [Runs upstairs.]
Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?

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If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' - S2-E9

Peter: Don't worry. I read a book about this sort of thing.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?
Peter: Oh yeah.

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A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas - S3-E16

Peter: Lois, can't we just tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I would never lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, I'll kill your mother.

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Blue Harvest - S6-E1

Lois Griffin: Aren't you a little fat for a storm trooper?
Chris Griffin: Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

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Road to the Multiverse - S8-E1

[Stewie and Brian are in the Robot Chicken Universe.]
Stewie: So, how does it feel to be on a major network for fifteen minutes?
Chris: FUCK YOU!

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Model Misbehavior - S4-E10

Peter Griffin: You know something, Lois? I think Meg was right. Lowering yourself and women and somethin' and all that noise!

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amycamille1975

Stewie Kills Lois (1) - S6-E5

Ship captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.

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[Lois is washing Stewie in the sink.]
Stewie: Not so hard, woman! You're washing a baby's hair, not cleaning the vomit off your party dress, you holiday drunk!

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Petarded - S4-E6

Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad!
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, you idiot.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

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A Hero Sits Next Door - S1-E5

[Peter learns Joe is in a wheelchair.]
Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

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Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... Like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

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The Story on Page 1 - S2-E19

Peter Griffin: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

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Stewie: Lois! I've got a gift for you. I'll give you a hint - it's in my pants and it's not a toaster.

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[Joe Swanson is hanging on the edge of a waterfall in a sewer and Lois is trying to pull him up.]
Lois Griffin: Joe, I can't hold you! You're too heavy!
Joe Swanson: Lois! Pretend I'm one of your children!
[Lois begins to let go of his hand.]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

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Peter: [to Lois.] Yeah, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time, and I'M the man.

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