Waiter: Your coffee, madam.
Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.
Stewie: Cut my eggs!
Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it. If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail, and I promise I won't make it easy for you.
Farmer: I don't trust you. You put your seed in my daughter's belly. You're fired!
Pilot: But Pa, you can't fire me!
Farmer: You're lucky you're my brother, too, or I'd kill you. (00:12:05)
Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater - S2-E1
Stewie: I say, mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Lois: Honey, I'll be right there.
Stewie: Oh, by all means, take your time. Oh and when you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston! (00:00:31)
Chris: Uh, dad. What would you say if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say 'come again!?'. Then I'd laugh cause I said 'cum'. But thank God that's not the case, eh? You're a Scout! And you know what that means? That means I love ya!
[Chris groans in frustrated annoyance.] (00:03:01)
I Never Met the Dead Man - S1-E2
Tom: Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will be out for an underermined amount of time... Of course, no-one can see this news program so it doesn't really mater what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane: Well, Tom. I just plain don't like black people.
[Both Laugh]
Camera Man: Hey guys, we're still on in Boston. (00:07:33)
Guy in courtroom: Mr. President, why do you think the American public has continued to support you through out these impeachment proceedings?
Bill Clinton: Um, probably because you're so fat! (00:12:23)
Meg: Oh my God, you got fired!?
Chris: Way to go, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie: How do you know about the machine!?
Peter: Now don't worry, kids. Your father's still going to put food on this table. Just not as much so it might get a little bit competitive.
Meg: Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
Brian: Hey, Peter. Can we put her out in the yard for a while? (00:07:10)
Chosen answer: It's a real song called "Elvira". Originally by Dallas Fraizer in '66, however, this version seems to be the Oak Ridge Boys cover version. However, the mega lesbians skip the verse and just sing the chorus after the opening line.
Bishop73