Waiter: Your coffee, madam.
Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.
Stewie: Cut my eggs!
Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it. If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail, and I promise I won't make it easy for you.
Tom: Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will be out for an underermined amount of time... Of course, no-one can see this news program so it doesn't really mater what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane: Well, Tom. I just plain don't like black people.
Camera Man: Hey guys, we're still on in Boston. (00:07:33)
Meg: Oh my God, you got fired!?
Chris: Way to go, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie: How do you know about the machine!?
Peter: Now don't worry, kids. Your father's still going to put food on this table. Just not as much so it might get a little bit competitive.
Meg: Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
Brian: Hey, Peter. Can we put her out in the yard for a while? (00:07:10)
Quagmire: Hey, who want's to play drink the beer?
Peter: Right here! [Drinks]
Quagmire: Heh, you win!
Peter: All right! What do I win?
Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter: Oh I'm going for the high score!
Quagmire: Well actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Charlie: Hey, man! Your clock won't flush. (00:03:44)
Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny...
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
[Stewie plays with his Sesame Street phone.]
Ernie's voice: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr.Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest and as for Linda, well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin aproach, now isn't it?
Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here Tom.
Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.