Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
Sophia: Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.
Rose: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: Blanche, you're a slut.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia.
Sophia: You're Blanche's daughter, the model?
Rebecca: That's right.
Sophia: What did she model - car covers?
Rose: My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
Sophia: If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.
Rose: You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! everybody likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.
Rose: The laws in St. Olaf are very stringent. Their motto is 'Use a gun, go apologize.'.
Rose: Oh, come on, Dorothy, that balloon man couldn't have been that terrible.
Dorothy: I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable.
Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.
Blanche: The Great Herring War?
Rose: Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.
Dorothy: Oh, that Great Herring War.
Dorothy: What are you trying to say, Rose? Weddings make you HOT?
Rose: YES.
Sophia: Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in.
Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.
Dorothy: When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who's 80, chances are she is not after his body.
Blanche: I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.
Dorothy: That's pretty jumpy.
Rose: Back where I come from, most people won't eat store-bought cake.
Dorothy: Rose, back where you come from, people live in windmills and make love to polka music.
Rose: Stop it, Dorothy. You're making me homesick.
Sophia: All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?
Dorothy: Ma, what is your sexual problem?
Sophia: I'm not getting any.
Sophia: Make way for the victors.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.
Dorothy: Oh, Angela, you really don't have to go.
Angela: Thank you, Dorothy. I'd love to stay, but I hate your mother.
Rebecca: I'm havin' this baby in a birthin' center. They emphasize natural childbirth without any painkillers.
Blanche: Honey, I know I told you where babies come from, but did I ever mention where they come OUT?
Chosen answer: Rose's husband Charlie died making love to her. There are at least 3 different ways Blanche's husband George is said to have died: 1. Blanche was getting a pedicure when he was killed. 2. He had a car accident and died. 3. He had been in a coma and died. In theory they could all be combined (he had a car accident, fell into a coma, then died while she was having a pedicure), but that's conjecture. I'm not sure how Sophia's husband Sal died.
The episode where Blanche said her husband was in a car accident, she said she was on the phone with an officer (who was eating potato chips, crunch) who was at the scene of the accident, and the officer said George was hit head on and died.