Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6
Dick: Does anyone remember why we all decided to be white?
Harry: Oh, um, I went with white ‘cause I thought it'd be a little cooler in the summer.
Tommy: Well don't you remember, Dick? All the television signals that we picked up in outer space were filled with white people.
Sally: Oh, except for that, uh, that black nerd with the hiked-up pants and the oversized glasses. What was his name?
Tommy: Bryant Gumbel.
Sally: Right.
Assault With A Deadly Dick - S1-E17
[School basketball team huddled in prayer] Coach Strickland: Dear Lord, if it be within your great wisdom and mercy, please grant us the strength and courage to beat the hell out of the Central High Muskrats. And if...
Tommy Solomon: Uh, excuse me, Coach?
Coach Strickland: We're in the middle of a prayer, Solomon.
Tommy: Yeah, but do you think we should be bothering God over a basketball game?
Coach Strickland: Well, this is important!
Tommy: But the other team's praying too. [Everyone looks at the other team] Oh, so our God is stronger than their God?
Coach Strickland: There's only one God, Solomon.
Tommy: Ah. Well, am I the only one seeing a conflict of interest here?
Coach Strickland: Yes!
The Big Giant Head Returns Again (1) - S5-E21
Dick: Hey Tommy, how was school?
Tommy: Terrible. I got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades.
Harry: What'd he do to ya?
Tommy: Made me Valedictorian. Apparently I have the best grades in the school, dammit.
Dick: But you barely ever go to class.
Tommy: I know. That's how stupid everyone else is. Dammit!
Dick: I happen to know that every word in that book has been published years before. Perhaps you've read the dictionary!
Proud Dick - S2-E13
Dick: Welcome to Rusty's. How may I serve you?
Customer: Um, how do you make your burgers?
Dick: Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.
Customer: Give me two.
Dick: Thank you, and remember, at Rusty's, E. Coli is not on the menu.
Dougie: Stop saying that! (00:10:57)
Tommy: Now this is high quality.
Sally: Oh, yeah! DVDs, baby! Digital Video...Dynamite.
Tommy: The resolution is perfect.
Sally: Oh, the colors are so alive.
Alissa: It's Leprechaun 2.
Tommy: Whoa, whoa, check this out. There's a bonus audio track where you can hear the director's comments.
Alissa: The director of Leprechaun 2!
Sally: Oh, and look, at the end you can see the original trailers for the movie.
Alissa: [Yelling] You're paying to watch commercials for Leprechaun 2!
Tommy: Digitally remastered.
The Columbian: I hear you're looking to, uh, liquidate.
Dick: Uh huh.
The Columbian: That's good, 'cause I'm looking to acquire.
Sally: Listen here lady, we're not giving these away. We're looking for top dollar.
The Columbian: Oh, I got top dollar. I got better than top dollar.
Dick: Well then by default, wouldn't that become top dollar?
Jeff: It's an ancient Ukranian quilting thimble. There's some writing on the outside. I didn't have time to get it translated.
Mary: Well, you've been so busy with the book.
Dick: Oh uh, speaking of time, don't you have a meeting?
Jeff: Right. I gotta go. Bye.
Mary: I'm gonna have to find someone who can translate Ukranian.
Dick: Oh, that's not Ukranian, it's Turkish. Look, there's a diacritical mark over the "O." [Reads in Turkish.]
Mary: Well, what does it mean?
Dick: "May these always point me toward the spoils of war." This isn't a thimble, it's Turkish nipple armor.
Dick: [Reading from "A Brief History of Time"] "The force-carrying particles exchange between matter particles are said to be virtual particles, because unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected by a particle detector." The people on this planet will swallow anything [laughs].
Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man - S3-E19
Harry: Hey, what's the matter, Tommy?
Tommy: I have to write a twenty-page history paper by tomorrow.
Harry: Oh, that's tough.
Tommy: Oh, oh, and on top of that, George Kapasouris was waiting for me after school to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let him cheat off my algebra test.
Harry: Whoa, so what'd you do, hop the fence and run home?
Tommy: Well no, I kicked his ass, but I mean, that's not the point. I shouldn't have to do that.
