Dick and the Single Girl - S2-E24
Harry: You know, I bet I could write a killer "X-Files."
Tommy: I could write one in my sleep.
Harry: I could write one hanging upside down.
Tommy: I could write one with a crayon.
Harry: I could write one if I lost both my arms and had to type with my feet.
Dick: I wanna watch one! Why don't you shut up and go write one!?
Tommy: Fine then, we will. Come on, Harry.
Harry: Yeah, come on.
Dick: Good, and when it's on TV I'll talk all through the damn thing and see how you like it! (00:01:35)
Don: Congratulations, Dick, you got yourself a hell of a rhymer. I mean, I've tried to rhyme, you know. There was a dog who sat on a log, his name was...Rog? That sorta thing. Hold on to her, Dick. She's one of a kind.
Dick: So you like the the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming?
Don: Yeah.
Dick: And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on till your head doth pop. Oh, look! A book! A book on schnook! What kind of crook took my schnook nook book? Perchance, methinks, thee, hither, yon, thou. I think I'm going to have a freakin' cow!
Don: You sure seem to hate her, sounds really tough.
Dick: Hate is a strong word, but not strong enough.
Dick Jokes - S2-E11
Dick: You know, it's a remarkable feeling to be able to make someone else laugh. It's almost as if you have the power to get inside their brain and, and tickle it.
Harry: Pssh. I could do that with a chopstick.
Dick: Imagine how different war would be if instead of trying to kill each other, people just showed up armed with jokes.
Sally: But you could still have guns, right? Because, you know, eventually you'd stop laughing and want to get on with the killing.
Same Old Song and Dick - S2-E17
Dick: I just want us to be the way we were, the greatest lovers in history.
Mary: Dick, put your panties back on and sit down. We're fine, there's nothing wrong with us. Our relationship is normal.
Dick: I don't want normal. I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion, like Romeo and Juliet.
Mary: They both wound up dead.
Dick: Anthony and Cleopatra.
Mary: Dead.
Dick: Well, that couple from Wuthering Heights.
Mary: Insane and dead.
Dick: F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
Mary: Drunk, insane, and dead.
Dick: Tristan ùnd Iseult.
Mary: Abgeschossen.
Dick: Aha! Siegfried and Roy!
Mary: OK, one.
Dick: Can any of you come up with a reasonable scenario in which throwing out a piece of mail would result in having your ribs broken by a floor waxer?
Harry: Absolutely. The guy who was waxing the floor thought you were throwing out his paycheck.
Dick: No. The guy with the waxer knew nothing about it.
Tommy: Then why were you throwing out his paycheck?
Dick: No. There was no paycheck.
Sally: No paycheck? Well, no wonder the waxer dude went psycho on you.
Dick the Mouth Solomon - S4-E18
Tommy: [Mafia accent] Look, Don, we come two different worlds, you and me, and I don't think we should be seen together no more, capisce!
Officer Don: Let me lay out the cold, hard facts for you, Tommy. If you're involved in something criminal, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll be caught. If you're prosecuted, there's a 2% chance you'll be convicted. So don't play with fire.
Angry Dick - S1-E13
Sally: Dick, what's wrong?
Dick: I don't know. There's an odd sensation moving through my body. [Groans] Who the hell does that stupid sack of fat think he is anyway?!
Harry: Dick?
Dick: I have a plan.
Sally: Remember, we're not allowed to liquify humans.
Dick: OK. I have another plan.
Tina: Miss, is everything okay?
Sally: Oh, yeah, everything's great. Except you're ruining my relationship with Don.
Tina: Don?
Sally: Yeah, lady! Don Orville. I'm mean, we've been going out for over a year and all of a sudden your name comes up. And what are you trying to do to us?
Tina: Look, I was only with Don for six months. And two weeks after we broke up, he was already going out with Cheryl Fassler, and Laura Brockman after...
Sally: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...wait. [Pause] Wait. There were others?
Sally: I don't get it. For free, murder is a horrible tragedy, but you charge $100 for it, and suddenly it's a sophisticated night out.
Tommy: But it's inappropriate for kids.
Dick: This world does need more entertainment that's acceptable for children.
Harry: Something where people are nice to each other. Something where people can just love one another.
Tommy: They have that. It's called pornography.
Dick: Then that's what kids should watch.
Hotel Dick - S2-E3
Hotel Clerk: Good morning, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Good morning. I'm checking out.
Hotel Clerk: Oh, of course. Here's your bill, sir.
George Takei: $3,000. Well, that's all right, I can afford it. I'm a famous actor.
Hotel Clerk: I'm sorry, that's $30,000, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Oh my!
The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9
Don: Sally? I want you to know that I accept you for who you are, and if we end up just being friends...
[Sally grabs and kisses Don]
Don: Sally!
Sally: Don. Oh man. Wow. You just kissed the gay right outta me.
Don: I did?
Sally: Uh-huh.
Don: What can I say? It's a gift.
Dick: You have a little tofu on your lip.
Jennifer: This smoothie is delicious. Please have a sip.
Dick: Ah, thank you. But, no, just uh, please, go like this [makes wiping motion near his mouth].
Jennifer: I've got an idea, how 'bout we kiss?
Dick: Okay, time out, you're missing my point.
Jennifer: Finish your food and we'll blow this joint.
Dick: Just listen to me, you have tofu on your lip. It's been there for what seems like an eternity, now please just flick it the hell off your face! [She despondently wipes her face.] Thank you, that's better. Now we can embrace.
