Adrian Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened.
Dr. Shuler: You’re gonna feel normal for a while. And then there’s gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
Monk: Vomiting?
Dr. Shuler: That’s right. Followed by death.
Monk: Vomiting.
Dr. Shuler: Yes. Followed by death.
Monk: Vomiting!
Dr. Shuler: Adrian, I really need you to focus on the last part of that sentence. There’s gonna be some vomiting... and then death.
Monk: Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?
Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it. But he did it.
Monk: It's a gift...and a curse.
Mr. Monk and the Candidate (1) - S1-E1
Sharona: You're going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in hell.
Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy - S2-E8
Dexter Larson: I was the kind of guy that a woman like you never talked to.
Sharona Fleming: You still are.
Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy - S2-E8
Noelle Winters: Is your wife here?
Adrian Monk: I'm not married.
Noelle Winters: You're wearing a ring.
Adrian Monk: She passed away. I can't bring myself to take it off yet.
Noelle Winters: Oh, I'm sorry. When did she die?
Adrian Monk: Six years ago.
Mr. Monk and the Candidate (1) - S1-E1
Adrian Monk: Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.
Mr. Monk Makes A Friend - S5-E11
Monk: [On the phone with Hal] Oh that, that, that was just my assistant, Natalie. Uh? Ah, hold on, I'll see. [Speaking to Natalie] Are you hot?
Mr. Monk and the Candidate (1) - S1-E1
Miranda St. Clair: I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds and... Milk.
Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
Mr. Monk and the Three Pies - S2-E11
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Rankin, we'd like to search your pie.
Van Rankin: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Please don't make me say that again.
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened.
Mr. Monk and the Three Pies - S2-E11
Captain Stottlemeyer: I like to have more than 'lack of pie' when I go to a grand jury.
Mr. Monk is the Best Man - S8-E13
Randy Disher: I think somebody's trying to scare you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but why? I mean, it doesn't track. If the guy wants a piece of me, if he wants to hurt me, why doesn't he come at me? What's all this cat and mouse crap?
Disher: So who's on your short list?
Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Disher: Or both.
Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look at that. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Randy Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: A former what?
Randy: A former cop shooter.
Vince: You mean he use to shoot cops?
Randy: No he shot someone who use to be a cop.
Vince: Why didn't you say that?
Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.
Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?
Joey Krenshaw: It's like a verbal root canal.
Hal: Excruciating.
James Novak: How did you feel when he arrested you?
Hal: I actually...I was feeling sorry for him. I felt like he was the village idiot or something. It was humiliating.
Jimmy: Until that there summation thing.
Hal: Oh my god. The summation. I love when people tell me what I've already done.
Joey: Droned! Just, ugh, longest four minutes of my life.
Hal: I mean, I know what I did. I killed her. I didn't need him to tell me.
Mr. Monk Is on the Run (1) - S6-E15
County Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispering to his lawyer].
Monk's Lawyer: Um, with the court's permission. Could you make it an even million?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!
Answer: The two men are trying to work out a secret deal between them without involving the union, which means the workers' interests aren't being represented and defeats the whole purpose of a union. The mayor would lose labor's support and Cusack's union troubles would just be starting.
Captain Defenestrator