Best crime TV quotes of all time

Sherlock picture

A Scandal in Belgravia - S2-E1

Sherlock Holmes: Punch me in the face.
John Watson: Punch you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John Watson: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.

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2

Bones (2005)

Bones picture

Dr. Temperance Brennan: I've never gotten a B and I never will.
Seeley Booth: That's my girl.

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3

Monk (2002)

Monk picture

Monk: It's a gift...and a curse.

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4

Arrow (2012)

Arrow picture

Honor Thy Father - S1-E2

John Diggle: The knife.
Oliver Queen: Right. The knife. I got lucky.
John Diggle: That was a kitchen knife. It wasn't even weighted properly and yet you threw it with accuracy across a ten foot room.
Oliver Queen: Exactly. I got lucky.

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Castle picture

Flowers for Your Grave - S1-E1

Beckett: Richard Castle, you are under arrest for felony theft and obstruction of justice.
Castle: You forgot making you look bad.

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Cubs Fan
Breaking Bad picture

Walter White: Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much I make a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going into work? A business big enough that it could be listed on the NASDAQ goes belly up. Disappears. It ceases to exist, without me. No, you don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I AM the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No! I am the one who knocks!

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CSI: NY picture

Blink - S1-E1

Mac Taylor: You're not a doctor. You're a murderer with a medical degree.

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Batman: The Animated Series picture

Christmas With the Joker - S1-E38

Joker: Jingle bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got awaaaaaaaaayyyyy.

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9

24 (2001)

24 picture

9:00 A.M.-10:00 A.M. - S1-E10

Jack Bauer: I used to be in the military. Used to do field work for the CIA. I've been to some horrible places. I've seen some pretty terrible things. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole life.

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The Thin Blue Line picture

Season 1 generally

Inspector Grim: It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!

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Elementary picture

The Leviathan - S1-E10

Sherlock Holmes: If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth.

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South Park picture

Weight Gain 4000 - S1-E3

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street people go, "God, dammit thats a big fat ass!'
Cartman: They do not!
Random guy: God Dammit, thats a big fat ass!

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Law & Order: Special Victims Unit picture

Born Psychopath - S14-E19

Dr. Huang: I'm conflicted about labeling a ten year old a psychopath. But...
Don Cragen: "But"?
Dr. Huang: I've had a chill like that two times in my life. With death row serial killers.

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The Mentalist picture

Red Letter Day - S5-E19

Kimball Cho: What do you need?
Patrick Jane: Backup.
Kimball Cho: I don't like it when you say you need backup and nothing's happened yet.

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Cubs Fan
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation picture

Lucky Strike - S3-E16

Nick Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.
Gil Grissom: Yep, and they all come to Vegas.

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16

JAG (1995)

JAG picture

Ice Queen (1) - S8-E20

Dr. Donald Mallard: You sure you won't have dinner with me tonight, Viv?
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Oh, Ducky, you're disgusting!
Dr. Donald Mallard: The pursuit of sex is an affirmation of life, Vivian. That's why older men are so lascivious.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: I'm talking about your lack of respect for the dead.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I have the utmost respect for the dead.
Special Agent Vivian Blackadder: Well, that's obvious from the way you speak to them.
Dr. Donald Mallard: If you were dead, wouldn't it be nice if you were spoken to, rather than about?

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NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service picture

Gibbs: I heard you quit, Agent Todd.
Kate Todd: Happy news travels fast. Yes, I resigned. It was the right thing to do.
Gibbs: Yep. Pull that crap at NCIS, I won't give you a chance to resign.
Kate Todd: Is that a job offer?

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Criminal Minds picture

Derailed - S1-E9

Reid: Can one of you do me a favor?
Morgan: Sure kid, anything you want.
Reid: Can one of you at least look like you're going to see me alive again?

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oddy knocky
Sons of Anarchy picture

Falx Cerebri - S2-E6

Polly Zobelle: Charge me or get out.
David Hale: [Picks up a shard of glass] Tell you what I'm gonna do. I slice open my arm, and charge you with aggravated assault on a peace officer. You'll do a three year pop in the San Joa dyke lodge - no questions asked.

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Friso94
Justified picture

Raylan Givens: You didn't happen to bring your rocket launcher, did you?
Boyd Crowder: I didn't think to pack one.

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Twin Peaks picture

Part 8 - S1-E8

The Woodsman: This is the water. And this is the well. Drink full and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes and dark within.

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Charles Austin Miller
CSI: Miami picture

Kill Zone - S1-E9

Lt. Horatio Caine: You're evil, you enjoy death, and I hope you enjoy your own.

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The Adventures of Tintin picture

The Secret of the Unicorn: Part 1 - S1-E3

Tintin: He looks exactly like you.
Captain Haddock: Yes, he is good looking.

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24

Dexter (2006)

Dexter picture

Chemistry - S7-E7

Isaak Sirko: You didn't kill Victor out of vengeance. I have a feeling you're a different kind of animal. The question is...what kind are you, Dexter Morgan?
Dexter: The kind who hunted your friend down and strapped him to a board and put a plastic bag on his head and crushed his skull with a fire extinguisher. The kind who's gonna do the same thing to you, give or take the fire extinguisher.

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Ashes to Ashes picture

Gene Hunt: Fire up the Quattro!

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Law & Order: Criminal Intent picture

Poison - S1-E7

Ron Carter: In light of the severity of these crimes, we ask for remand, your honor.
Ms. O'Brien: In light of the weakness of their evidence, remand is absurd.
Ron Carver: The evidence past mustard with the grand jury.
Ms. O'Brien: Oh right, was my client indicted before or after the ham sandwich?

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Bishop73
Get Smart picture

School Days - S1-E3

Max: When the moon is full, the tide is high.
Old Lady: You must want the spy school, that's next door.

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Police Squad! picture

Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

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29

Gotham (2014)

Better Call Saul picture

Jimmy McGill: I'm the guy on your speed dial right after your weed dealer.

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