Alan Shore: Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode.
Denny Crane: Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president.
Brad Chase: I outrank you.
Alan Shore: And I'm such a slut for authority.
Hired Guns - S1-E10
Denny Crane: I'm an ex-Marine! I was a trained sniper. Or was it a pilot?
Denny Crane: I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.
Alan Shore: You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.
Denny Crane: Nobody gets away with calling Denny Crane a terrorist!
Alan Shore: What would you like me to do?
Denny Crane: Perfect world? We blow 'em up.
Chelina Hall: God, the last time I saw you...
Alan Shore: I believe it was a Sunday, then I was taken off the air, you went off to do movies, I got switched to Tuesdays and...
Chelina Hall: Here we are, with old footage.
Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.
Alan Shore: Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.
Denny Crane: This isn't about boobs at all!
Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane: Are you making fun of me?
Alan Shore: Hate to extort and run.
Alan Shore: Shirley? What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me, lusting, say, after... you? Would there?
Shirley Schmidt: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
Donny Crane: He's mocking me... Dad, he's mocking me.
Denny Crane: You're a Crane. Get used to it.
Alan Shore: Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?"
Alan Shore: "Where would we be..."
Denny Crane: You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."
Denny Crane: TiVo me, will ya?
Brian Stevens: Motion for continuance is denied.
Denny Crane: You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.
Alan Shore: What's your specialty?
Dr. Allen Konigsberg: Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce I've been working with him alone.
Alan Shore: So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?
