Best mystery TV quotes of all time
The best mystery TV quotes of all time. Vote as you browse around to help the best rise to the top, and add your own! Show entries not limited by type.
A Scandal in Belgravia - S2-E1
Sherlock Holmes: Punch me in the face.
John Watson: Punch you?
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John Watson: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
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2
Supernatural (2005)
Mr. Monk and the Candidate (1) - S1-E1
Sharona: You're going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in hell.
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John Diggle: The knife.
Oliver Queen: Right. The knife. I got lucky.
John Diggle: That was a kitchen knife. It wasn't even weighted properly and yet you threw it with accuracy across a ten foot room.
Oliver Queen: Exactly. I got lucky.
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6
House, M.D. (2004)
Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!
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Dr. Temperance Brennan: I've never gotten a B and I never will.
Seeley Booth: That's my girl.
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Christmas With the Joker - S1-E38
Joker: Jingle bells, Batman smells. Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got awaaaaaaaaayyyyy.
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11
The X-Files (1993)
The Post-Modern Prometheus - S5-E5
[After spilling coffee on his lap.]
Mulder: Great, now my crotch will be up all night.
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Benjamin Linus: Your flight crashed on September 22,2004. Today is November 29th. That means you've been on this island for sixty-nine days. And yes, we do have contact with the outside world, Jack. That's how we know that during those sixty-nine days, your fellow Americans re-elected George W. Bush, Christopher Reeve has passed away, Boston Red Sox won the World Series.
[Jack begins to laugh.]
Benjamin Linus: What?
Jack Shepard: [Still laughing.] If you wanted me to believe that, you probably should have picked somebody else besides the Red Sox.
Bejmain Linus: No, they were down 3-0 against the Yankees in the Championship Series and then won eight straight.
Jack Shepard: [Skeptically.] Sure, sure. Of course they did.
[Ben turns on a VCR.]
Joe Buck: Back to Foulke... Red Sox fans have longed to hear it! The Boston Red Sox are world champions! A clean sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals, and the Red Sox celebrate in the middle of the diamond here at Busch Stadium.
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13
Criminal Minds (2005)
Agent Hotchner: This is Special Agent Dr. Reid.
Man: You look too young to have gone to medical school.
Agent Reid: They are PhD's. Three of them.
Man: What, are you a genius or something?
Agent Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, can read 20,000 words per minute...yes, I'm a genius.
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A Demon
Pompeii and Circumstance - S1-E12
Saladicus: Those who are about to fight, salute me. I am the Emperor Caesar Saladicus. Do you have any last requests?
Shaggy: Hold the anchovies.
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Quantom X15
The Mentalist (2008)
Kimball Cho: What do you need?
Patrick Jane: Backup.
Kimball Cho: I don't like it when you say you need backup and nothing's happened yet.
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Cubs Fan
17
Elementary (2012)
Sherlock Holmes: If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth.
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19
South Park (1997)
Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street people go, "God, dammit thats a big fat ass!'
Cartman: They do not!
Random guy: God Dammit, thats a big fat ass!
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Dr. Huang: I'm conflicted about labeling a ten year old a psychopath. But...
Don Cragen: "But"?
Dr. Huang: I've had a chill like that two times in my life. With death row serial killers.
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Nick Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.
Gil Grissom: Yep, and they all come to Vegas.
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Vivian Blackadder: Amad bin Atwa supplied money and explosives to Hasan Mohammed, who executed the attack on the Cole. They're an all-Jihad team that's been together for nine years. If Bin Atwa gives up Hasan, I want in on the kill.
Gibbs: We're not tasked with capturing Hasan Mohammed.
Vivian Blackadder: Gibbs, my brother died on the Cole.
Gibbs: I know that.
Vivian Blackadder: Then get me in on this!
Gibbs: You're not here to use NCIS as your personal instrument of revenge. You get your head around this murder case, or you pull your tailored suit out of mothballs and you march your butt right back to the J. Edgar Hoover Building.
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Tony DiNizzo: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee... We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.
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A Demon24
Police Squad! (1982)
Frank: Is there a ransom note?
Ed: Yes, the butler found it; it was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab; they're demanding one million dollars.
Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
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25
Hemlock Grove (2013)
Hemlock Diego's Policy Player's Dream Book - S2-E5
Olivia: Are you telling me I only have a couple of hundred years left?
Pryce: More like a normal human lifespan.
Olivia: Human lifespan is over like that. Hardly worth going to the trouble of being born.
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The_Iceman
The Secret of the Unicorn: Part 1 - S1-E3
Tintin: He looks exactly like you.
Captain Haddock: Yes, he is good looking.
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27
Twin Peaks (2017)
The Woodsman: This is the water. And this is the well. Drink full and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes and dark within.
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Charles Austin Miller28
CSI: Miami (2002)
29
Law & Order: UK (2009)
James Steel: In my experience, Mr. Turner, people change their pleas for two reasons: conscience or self-preservation. Now, as conscience seems beyond you, I'm giving you one last chance to save yourself.
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Ron Carter: In light of the severity of these crimes, we ask for remand, your honor.
Ms. O'Brien: In light of the weakness of their evidence, remand is absurd.
Ron Carver: The evidence past mustard with the grand jury.
Ms. O'Brien: Oh right, was my client indicted before or after the ham sandwich?
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