House, M.D.

Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

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Humpty Dumpty - S2-E3

Dr. Foreman: You really want to screw Whitey? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. Take the medicine.

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Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

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Pilot - S1-E1

House: [to Cameron.] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

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Season 1 generally

Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What's up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.

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Occam's Razor - S1-E3

House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

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Kids - S1-E19

Dr. Wilson: My advice is much more subtle – stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.
House: Now it's people? I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Dr. Wilson: You have a history of this.
House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope's there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.

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Three Stories - S1-E21

House: I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.
Dr. Cuddy: Two. I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.

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Paternity - S1-E2

House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

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Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen!

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Humpty Dumpty - S2-E3

Dr. Cameron: He's not clotting properly; it looks like a mild case of DIC.
House: Well obviously not that mild. If this keeps up his hand is literally dead meat. His hand is connected to his arm; his arm is connected to... I'm not sure, but I bet it's important.

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The Mistake - S2-E8

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so bad then why didn't you fire him?
House: He has great hair.

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Deception - S2-E9

Dr. Cameron: Scan showed a mass in her pancreas.
Dr. Chase: Looks malign. Probably inoperable. I'd give her two months.
House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.

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Failure to Communicate - S2-E10

House: Did the MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
House: CT? That's like short for MRI, right?

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Skin Deep - S2-E13

Dr. Cameron: Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
House: Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts.

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Sex Kills - S2-E14

House: When guys have brain-crotch problems it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.

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Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?
House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
House: Just not as honest about it.

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Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
Samantha: Lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.

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Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?
House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.

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DNR - S1-E9

Dr. Wilson: [To House.] Some doctors have the messiah complex – they need to save the world. You have a Rubik's complex – you need to solve the puzzle.

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Mistakes

Episode 6.12, Moving The Chains: Marcus tells House that he and Eric were arrested for stealing a car, he was 16 and Eric was 14. He also says that his brother never did anything criminal after that. In season 1, we were told that Eric was 16 when he was arrested for stealing a car.

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Trivia

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role as Dr. Gregory House in his hotel room bathroom in Namibia. He was rehearsing his role for the film The Flight of the Phoenix and claimed that the bathroom was the only place with enough light. He also apologized for his appearance on tape before the audition as he'd just come back from filming. The fact that House has a somewhat scruffy and unkempt look, particularly his constant five o'clock shadow, has been attributed by creator David Shore to Laurie's appearance in this audition tape.

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