Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!
Dr. Foreman: You really want to screw Whitey? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. Take the medicine.
Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.
Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What's up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.
House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Dr. Wilson: My advice is much more subtle – stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.
House: Now it's people? I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Dr. Wilson: You have a history of this.
House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope's there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.
Dr. Foreman: [After being punched by Taub.] I wasn't ready!
Dr. Taub: What were you going to do, flex your goatee muscle?
Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen!
Dr. Cameron: He's not clotting properly; it looks like a mild case of DIC.
House: Well obviously not that mild. If this keeps up his hand is literally dead meat. His hand is connected to his arm; his arm is connected to... I'm not sure, but I bet it's important.
The Mistake - S2-E8
Stacy: If Chase screwed up so bad then why didn't you fire him?
House: He has great hair.
Failure to Communicate - S2-E10
House: Did the MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
House: CT? That's like short for MRI, right?
Dr. Cameron: Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
House: Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts.
Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?
House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
House: Just not as honest about it.
Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
Samantha: Lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.
Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?
House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.
Answer: She would have No Reason to know it belonged to the CIA. If she did know he went off in the helicopter, all she would know is that it wasn't an ambulance helicopter.
Greg Dwyer