Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I'm Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of proctology and other related tendencies. A graduate of the University of Rangoon. And assorted night classes at the Knoxville Tennessee school of faith healing.
J.J. McClure: You may be a little over qualified for this job.
Batman: Mad Dog, you are going to take the shortcut to the interstate, right?
Mad Dog: We're in this to win, ain't we? If you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly!
Victor Prinsi: Nice car, Father!
Jamie Blake: Thank you, asshole.
Fenderbaum: Isn't that J.J. McClure?
Jamie Blake: He's nothing. Don't worry about him. It's the Blimp next to him! The Blimp! When he puts on that mask, he'll blow your goddamn doors off.
Organizer: I'd like to welcome you all to an event that's sometimes been called the Automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
J.J. McClure: What's Dr. Gay do?
Victor Prinsi: He's my shrink. He was committed yesterday.
J.J. McClure: Why?
Victor Prinsi: He was smoking bananas. He gets very upset when he talks to 'Him'.
J.J. McClure: So do I.
Mr. Foyt: Terrorists my dimpled ass! These people make terrorists look like the Sisters of Charity! These guys are Cannonballers!
Pamela Glover: What is that? A bowling team?
Shaky Finch: Come on! 1000 miles on one wheel? We're trying to win a race, not set a record.
J.J. McClure: I'm sure that doctor's a very sweet man, basically.
Victor Prinsi: Oh, thank you.
J.J. McClure: But don't you ever tell me where you found him. Ever.
J.J. McClure: what about a black trans-am? No, that's been done.
J.J. McClure: Listen to what I'm telling you. You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare. Get me Dr. Livingston. Get me Dr. Frankenstein. Just get me a doctor! Go where the - go where the doctors hang out.
Victor Prinsi: Where is that?
J.J. McClure: Bars, golf courses.
Victor Prinsi: Golf course, bar. All right. Where else? Hospital!
J.J. McClure: Try that too.
Race organizer: Certain skeptics note that as soon as we begin, thirty thousand of the nation's most alert highway patrolmen will be out there waiting to stop you guys, but let's stay positive. Think of the fact that not one state of the fifty has the death penalty for speeding...although I'm not so sure about Ohio.