[The Smiths have just heard a news report on TV about a crime on their street.]
Stan: Right in our own neighborhood. Well it's clear the time has come for me to show you where we hide our guns.
[Pulls a gun out from under the table.]
Stan: Glock. Seventeen shots. [Takes pen from a pen holder.] Pen gun. Mightier than the sword. [Pulls sword out of knife holder.] Sword gun. Mightier than the pen gun. [Opens pantry door.] AR-15. MK-5. Mac-10. Paprika.
Francine: That's weird. I use that pantry a lot.
Stan: And the paprika not enough.
Hayley: I can't believe this house is teeming with guns. Guns kill.
Stan: Oh. Guns kill. Is that right? [Takes gun out of jacket and puts it on the table.] Well, let's see about that. Okay, gun. Kill. Go ahead. Kill someone. Don't be shy. See? Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.
Hayley: You're such a fascist.
Stan: Peace pusher.
Stan: I'm swinging wild, Francine.
Roger: Look at us, Steve. Neck and neck. May the best man win.
Steve: Well that's gonna be me, because your weird gut's about to hit the wall.
Roger: Not if your boner hits it first.
Steve: What? I don't have a boner.
Roger: You're about to.
Steve: How? What are you gonna do?
Roger: I don't have to do anything. You're a teenage boy who just heard the word "boner." It's already happening.
Steve: No. Not now. Not like this. Oh, God! Not like this! [Steve struggles to prevent his erection but it's heard hitting the wall.]
Steve: Damn it.
Roger: Yes! I won.
Francine: You did, Roger. But, in a way, I feel like we all won.
Roger: What? Wait, what?
Francine: Because it brought us all closer together.
Steve: You're right. I thought I was in a race, but really, I was in a family.
Roger: Okay, I see what's happening here. Yeah. You're trying to screw me out of my victory. We all heard his dick hit the wall.
Officer Figpucker: I'm afraid that was an illegal U-turn, ma'am.
Francine: Oh, come on. I live right there. Can't you just give me a break, pigfucker?
Officer Figpucker: [Points to badge] That is not my name, ma'am.
Francine: [Looking at badge] Oh! Forgive me, Officer Figpucker. I'm just drunk is all.
Francine: Listen, sweetheart, you have a stable job, an adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Stan: Oh. Oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [Grabs phone.] Hello? Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello? UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy.
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