The Simpsons

The Simpsons Christmas Special: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire - S1-E1

Homer: [buying a chewtoy for Maggie.] It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Marge vs. the Monorail - S4-E12

Marge: Homer, I think I've found someone who can help!
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: IT'S NOT BATMAN.

Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4

[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.

Tree House of Horror XII - S13-E1

Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad, that's the water softener.
Homer: Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack.

Cubs Fan

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (2) - S7-E1

Chief Wiggum: This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh."

Bishop73

Grampa: Bart broke my teeth!
Homer: Daaad! you and your stories... Bart broke my teeth, the nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger.

Lisa Gets an A - S10-E7

Bart: Oh, I'm starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get Communion wafers and booze?

Homer's brain: It's simple, just use reverse psycology.
Homer: Reverse psycology? That sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Alright, don't use reverse psycology.
Homer: Alright, I will!

The Simpsons Christmas Special: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire - S1-E1

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

Barting Over - S14-E11

Tony Hawk: Hey, Blink 182! Crank it up!
Tom DeLonge We have names, y'know!
Tony Hawk: Whatever.
Mark Hoppus: Man, let's trash this place.
Travis Barker: After we get paid.
Mark Hoppus: Nice.

Homer: Insurance is the greatest deal ever. If I get hurt, I get paid. And man do I get hurt!

Bart Sells His Soul - S7-E4

[Listening to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" in church.]
Homer: Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?

King of the Hill - S9-E23

Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.

The Springfield Files - S8-E10

Marge: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No! Well, ten beers.

Bart Star - S9-E6

Nelson's Father: Great game, son. I'm taking you to Hooters.
Nelson: Aw, I don't want to bother Mom at work.

Homer vs. Dignity - S12-E5

Edna: Let's do it on Martin's desk!
Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.

Springfield Connection - S6-E23

Homer: When Marge joined the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, "Spaceballs." Instead, it's been dark and depressing, like that movie "Police Academy."

Homer to the Max - S10-E13

Marge: I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Max Power doesn't snuggle. You just strap yourself in and feel the Gs!

Jaws Wired Shut - S13-E9

[Homer is at Moe's Bar talking about when his jaw was broken.]
Homer: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen! You can learn so much if you just listen once in a while.
Lenny: Let's try it!
[They listen and hear Moe on the phone in a back room.]
Moe: Hello, uh, I'd like to arrange for an escort, please? TO WHERE? How about orgasm-ville, ya dumb - hey, hello? Hello?

Jimbo: Dude, you kissed a girl! That is so gay.

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