TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield. It's all here: fast kicking, low scoring. And ties? You bet.
Bart: Hey Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
Homer: I don't know.
TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Arriaga, Arriaga II, Barriaga, Aruglia, and Pizzozza.
Homer: Oh, I've never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs.
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth. Mexico or Portugal.
Hank WIlliams, Jr.: ♪Can you name the truck with four-wheel drive? Smells like a steak and seats thirty-five. Canyonero. Canyonero. Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down. It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown. Canyonero. Canyonero.
Krusty: Hey hey!
Announcer: The Federal Highway Commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving.
Hank Williams, Jr.: ♪Twelve yards long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride. Canyonero. Canyonero. Top of the line in utility sports. Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts. Canyonero. Canyonero. She blinds everybody with her super high beams. She's a squirrel-squashin', deer-smackin', drivin' machine. Canyonero. Canyonero. Ya! Ya Canyonero! Whoa Canyonero! Whoa!
Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner too.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've had. Cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job. [Picks up the phone and calls Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy.
Homer: Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson. The father of the big quitter. Well I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too, and I quit [winks at phone].
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So? [Screams].
Announcer: We now return to "When Buildings Collapse" on "Non-Stop Fox."
[Bart and Homer cheer.]
Bart: Hey Lis', wanna join us?
Homer: Room for one more.
Bart: We're watching the TV.
Narrator: Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say "No more!"?
Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman live at the Springfield Post Office on Tax Day. It's literally the 11th hour, 10:00 PM, and tardy taxpayers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight. Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Otto: Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?
Kent Brockman: Sir, uh, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Krusty the Clown: Because I'm an idiot. Happy?
[Marge is trying to purchase a sports cup for Bart.]
Marge: He's going to need, uh, protection.
Clerk: Sure, one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more like protection for, down there.
Clerk: Oh, why didn't you say so? Knee pads, you got it.
Marge: [Laughs nervously] I'm talking about his personal area.
Clerk: Aha, say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads.
Marge: Look, I want a cup.
Clerk: Cup? Could you spell that?
Marge: C-U-P. I wanna C-U... oh my god!
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
[The two look at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.]
Homer: Can I have some money now?