Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours Springfield!
[The Ramones perform "Happy Birthday To You" for Mr. Burns.]
CJ Ramone: Go to hell, you old bastard!
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. [Gallery laughs] Oh, now I get it. Ah ha ha, that's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [A few people raise their hands] Be honest. [Everyone raises their hands, including Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole.
Parole Board Member #1: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck-hole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Well what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member #3: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board Member #2: Parole granted.
Homer: Look at these bills: chains for elephant. Shots for elephant. Over-sized decorative poncho?
Bart: Technically it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little.
Homer: Well these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.
Demon: So, you like donuts, eh?
Homer: Uh huh.
Demon: Well, have all the donuts in the world. [Laughs maniacally.]
[Homer proceeds to eat all the donuts in the world with little effort.]
Demon: I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes.
Kent Brockman: We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with average-naut Homer Simpson, and we'd like to... [an ant suddenly floats by the camera and appears to be large, Brockman and the Simpson family scream in response] Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but, uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair Spacecraft has apparently been taken over, conquered if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them, the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. Like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
Principal Skinner: I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done, and then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through? [The scene jumps forward in time.] It was on the best-seller list for 18 months. Every magazine cover had it... [The scene jumps forward in time again.]...one of the most popular movies of all time, sir. What were you thinking? I mean thank you, come again.
Bum: Got any spare change, man?
Grampa: Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants something for nothing. [He walks into the Social Security Office.] I'm old! Gimme gimme gimme!
[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]
Patty: [after seeing Homer.] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?