Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word "incompetent." 714 names! Ha, better be more specific. "Lazy, clumsy, dimwitted, monstrously ugly." [The computer again displays 714 matches.] Ah, nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Must call Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see, Smithers [begins dialing], S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success, it's ringing!
Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name: Waylon
Moe: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! Okay!? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
Concertgoer #1: Oh, here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Concertgoer #2: Are you being sarcastic, dude?
Concertgoer #1: I don't even know anymore.
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausage in that syrup Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking know-nothing know-it-all.
Who Shot Mr. Burns? (2) - S7-E1
Chief Wiggum: This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh."
[Listening to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" in church.]
Homer: Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?
Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming - S7-E9
Chief Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces?
Guy Who Eats People and Takes Their Faces: I'm right here, Chief.
Chief WIggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
Chief Wiggum: Oh great! Well if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death. Okay?
Officer Lou: Right.
Scenes From a Class Struggle in Springfield - S7-E14
Tom Kite: You know Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf is to lower your score.
Homer: That's one way.
Tom Kite: Ha ha, I'm PGA Tour pro Tom Kite. How 'bout I give you a few pointers on your game? Now you don't want to overthink.
Homer: Not an issue.
Tom Kite: Keep your head down.
Homer: [Raises head] Huh?
Tom Kite: Pretend there's no-one else here. [Homer scratches his butt with the driver and then belches.] And just go at your own pace. [Homer hits the ball onto the green.] Wow, very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: Really?
Tom Kite: Uh huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. [Takes his clubs back from Homer.] And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.
[A group of police K-9's begin tracking Milhouse based on his scent.]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
Kirk: But, will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: Well, they'll, when they find him, they'll um, they'll um um hum um hush num.
Kirk: Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I?
[Bart, Milhouse and Nelson have just finished watching the film "Naked Lunch."]
Nelson: I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' - S7-E22
Abe: [Showing Bart his tattoo] I got this in the second World War II.
Gavin's mom: Gavin, don't you already have this game?
Gavin: No Mom, you idiot! I have "Bloodstorm" and "Bone Squad" and "Bloodstorm II," stupid!
Gavin's mom: Oh I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a "Bonestorm."
Gavin: We'll get two, I'm not sharing with Caitlin.
[A short time later, Bart is arrested for shoplifting.]
Gavin's mom: Tsk tsk tsk tsk. That boy's parents must have made some terrible mistakes.
Gavin: Shut up, Mom.
Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No Ralph, there aren't any more. Just put your head down on your desk and sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.
Tree House of Horror VI - S7-E6
Homer: Please, don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
22 Short Films About Springfield - S7-E21
Principal Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be — Good lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! The house is on fire!
Principal Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.
