Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed. Open up.
St. Peter: Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't looking.
Homer: Hey, I thought you guys could see everything.
St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
Homer: Well I'll be damned.
St. Peter: I'm afraid so, yes. [Drops Homer into Hell.]
[Mr. Burns is grocery shopping for the first time and sees Krusty getting a box of Krusty O's]
Mr. Burns: Could you tell me where I might find the Burns O's?
Krusty: Sorry Pops, they don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.
Mr. Burns: [Looking at a box of Count Chocula] Well, I suppose this one looks a bit like me.
[Bart is in class discreetly listening to an incarcerated Sideshow Bob on a talk radio show.]
Birch Barlow: I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free.
Ms. Krabappel: Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.
Carl: Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island.
Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
Carl: Apes, but they're not so big.
TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield. It's all here: fast kicking, low scoring. And ties? You bet.
Bart: Hey Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
Homer: I don't know.
TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Arriaga, Arriaga II, Barriaga, Aruglia, and Pizzozza.
Homer: Oh, I've never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs.
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth. Mexico or Portugal.
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausage in that syrup Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking know-nothing know-it-all.
Groundskeeper Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!
Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life.
Zombie Billy the Kid: Now I'd like you to meet the Hole in the Ground gang: Frank and Jesse James. The Sundance Kid.
Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?
Zombie Sundance Kid: "What happened to Butch Cassidy?" We're not joined at the hip, you know.
Zombie Billy the Kid: And the most evil German of all time: Kaiser Wilhelm.
[Everyone is confused]
Zombie Frank James: He ain't a cowboy!
Zombie Kaiser Wilhelm: Sure I am. Yippee. Whippee. Whippee.
Zombie Frank James: Okay, he's in.