The Simpsons (1989)

The PTA Disbands - S6-E21

Flanders: I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Skinner: I don't agree with that.

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church, Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Makes sound effects and laughs.] Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze.

Day of the Jackanapes - S12-E13

Sideshow Bob: Urgh. Rakes, my arch-enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch-enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

Bart the Genius - S1-E2

Mrs. Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [She looks at Bart.] If any.

There's No Disgrace Like Home - S1-E4

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.

The Front - S4-E19

Teacher: Alright, here are your exams. 50 questions. True or false.
Homer: True.
Teacher: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True.
Teacher: Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
Homer: False.

$pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) - S5-E10

Bum: Got any spare change, man?
Grampa: Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants something for nothing. [He walks into the Social Security Office.] I'm old! Gimme gimme gimme!

The Last Temptation of Homer - S5-E9

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo -
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man in the bar starts crying and runs out.]
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo-Jo!

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons - S9-E7

Apu: Okay, quickly, what is your favourite food, book and movie?
Manjula: The answer to all three is 'Fried Green Tomatoes'.

And Maggie Makes Three - S6-E13

[Maggie is being born.]
Homer: Aw, it's a boy! And WHAT a boy!
Dr Hibbert: That's its umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Tree House of Horror VI - S7-E6

Homer: Please, don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Dog of Death - S3-E19

Homer: He may have all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy!
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [Pauses.] A dinosaur.

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ehhh. Who pays for that wedding?

Marge: Homer, no! You'll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying.

Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5

[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]
Patty: [after seeing Homer.] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Girly Edition - S9-E21

Homer: Marge, can I get a duck?
Marge: You already have a monkey!
Homer: Can he get a duck?

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Blood Feud - S2-E22

[Homer goes to the post office to get a letter he accidentally sent to Mr Burns.]
Homer: [In an obviously fake voice.] Hello, my name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Clerk: OK, Mr Burns, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.

The Canine Mutiny - S8-E20

Comic Book Store Owner: Now make like my pants and split!

'Tis the Fifteenth Season - S15-E7

Krusty: So, in the spirit of the Christmas season, start shopping! And for every dollar spent on Krusty merchandise, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.