Chief Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces?
Guy Who Eats People and Takes Their Faces: I'm right here, Chief.
Chief WIggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
Chief Wiggum: Oh great! Well if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death. Okay?
Officer Lou: Right.
Tom Kite: You know Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf is to lower your score.
Homer: That's one way.
Tom Kite: Ha ha, I'm PGA Tour pro Tom Kite. How 'bout I give you a few pointers on your game? Now you don't want to overthink.
Homer: Not an issue.
Tom Kite: Keep your head down.
Homer: [Raises head] Huh?
Tom Kite: Pretend there's no-one else here. [Homer scratches his butt with the driver and then belches.] And just go at your own pace. [Homer hits the ball onto the green.] Wow, very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
Tom Kite: Uh huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. [Takes his clubs back from Homer.] And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.
Kent Brockman: We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with average-naut Homer Simpson, and we'd like to... [an ant suddenly floats by the camera and appears to be large, Brockman and the Simpson family scream in response] Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but, uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair Spacecraft has apparently been taken over, conquered if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them, the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. Like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.Phaneron
Superintendent Chalmers: Well Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I was wondering who's on first.
Principal Skinner: Yes, not the pronoun, rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well that's just great Seymour, we've been out here six seconds, you've already managed to blow the routine!
[A group of police K-9's begin tracking Milhouse based on his scent.]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
Kirk: But, will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: Well, they'll, when they find him, they'll um, they'll um um hum um hush num.
Kirk: Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I?
Homer: I don't need Lisa to write a good review. "The food at the Gilded Truffle really..." Uh, what's a good word?
Maggie: [Sucks on pacifier].
Homer: "Sucks." That's great. "And the bread was really..." Come on, help me out here.
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
Homer: Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
Homer: "Chewy," that's inspired.
Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman live at the Springfield Post Office on Tax Day. It's literally the 11th hour, 10:00 PM, and tardy taxpayers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight. Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Otto: Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?
Kent Brockman: Sir, uh, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Krusty the Clown: Because I'm an idiot. Happy?
Abe: What the hell are you two doin'?
Barney: It's called "rockin' out."
Homer: You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not "with it."
Abe: I used to be "with it," but then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm "with" isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you.
Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Oh, come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee. You cry when they're out of chocolate milk. You cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.