Cole: Phoebe, I love you. I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you?
Doug Heffernan: Hey, Deac, let me ask you, do you think Carrie's gained weight?
Deacon Palmer: Say what?
Doug Heffernan: Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.
Dr. John Becker: The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.
Mary Carroll: Look at Anthony's hair. He looks like a little choir boy.
Jim Royle: He looks like a little gay boy.