Harry Stone: Who's first, Mac?
Mac: People versus Shibata.
Harry Stone: To what do we owe the pleasure of Mr. Shibata's company?
Dan Fielding: Well, sir, it seems Mr. Shibata was caught rolling for dollars with, um, these three rarely upstanding women.
Harry Stone: All three? That's illegal. And quite impressive.
Dan Fielding: When he was apprehended he had a fifty gallon drum of soy sauce and they were in the middle of something called a "Sukiyaki Slam-bam."
Christine Sullivan: Uh, sir, uh, while neighbors in adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours I believe that Mr. S...
Mac/Harry/Dan: Seven hours?!
[Mr. Shibata bows to Dan, Harry, and Mac and they bow back]
Dan Fielding: My god, man, how do you do it?
Mr. Shibata: Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters and sit in a barrel of pickle brine.
Dan Fielding: [to stenographer] You got that?
[Stenographer nods].
Still Another Day in the Life - S7-E22
Ben Veloric: I guess I just wanted to find out of she loved me for myself.
Harry Stone: Now I guess you know, all she cares about is money.
Ben Veloric: Yeah. So, Debbie, are we back on?
Debbie Rollins: You mean you don't care that I'm shallow and materialistic?
Ben Veloric: Heck no, as long as you don't chunk up.
Harry Stone: Will you look at that, Bull, that is some shot.
Bull Shannon: Yeah. Palm trees are beautiful, aren't they?
Harry Stone: Bull, that's 30 naked women playing volleyball.
Bull Shannon: Oh yeah, look at that. Is that a regulation net?
Who Was That Mashed Man? - S5-E7
Kitty: Mr. Fielding? Can I ask you a question?
Dan Fielding: Certainly, young lady. Anything.
Kitty: Did you know I'm double-jointed?
Dan Fielding: Really?
Kitty: Wanna see?
Dan Fielding: Yes. [slaps his face] No. Yes. [slaps his face again] No. I can't. Now look, if anything should happen between you and I, your Uncle Vincent's gonna find out then I'm gonna lose something that's very important to me.
Kitty: Your job?
Dan Fielding: If I'm lucky.
Bull Shannon: All rise. Criminal court part two is now in session. The honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.
Let It Snow - S5-E11
Mac Robinson: Hey Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?
Dan Fielding: What's the big deal? You stick tab A into slot B. Who can't do that?
Prostitute: You'd be surprised.
Buddy Ryan: But I'm feeling much better now.
The Last Temptation of Mac - S6-E6
Harry Stone: How the hell did you get down?
Irwin: Well we must have been up at least a couple thousand feet when the Air Force picked up Winkie on their radar screens and shot us down.
Bull Shannon: Those gutless bunny killers.
Irwin: I guess to them we looked like a Soviet MiG. Oh, I'd be a sidewalk pizza if it hadn't been for that awning on the Weatherbee Hotel.
Mr. Barsotti: An awning broke your fall?
Irwin: Are you kidding? Mr. Barsotti, I bounced off it right into this big fall clearance banner on the front of the store across the street. Which, which flung me on to the top of a passing bus. The driver took a sharp turn at Battery Park and threw me off. Right to a bed of chrysanthemums. That's what broke my fall.
Harry Stone: Irwin, you've gotta be the luckiest man in the world.
Irwin: No. Dan Quayle is.
Dan, the Walking Time Bomb - S5-E12
Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, my client was provoked by an antagonistic neighbor who insisted on playing his stereo loudly at all hours of the night.
Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the plaintiff clearly had no malicious intent bomb in my briefcase to antagonize the defendant. The plaintiff had no previous bomb in my briefcase complaints from other neighbors. Therefore, I would like to cite the precedent of Becca versus bomb in my briefcase to illustrate my point.
Judge Stone: [Staring quietly at Dan] Defense?
Christine Sullivan: Your Honor, prosecution is citing precedent which is absolutely irrelev [Shouting] He has a bomb in his briefcase!
Ernie Carter: Freeze! Anybody makes the teeniest tiniest move and Fielding gets blown to kingdom come.
[Everybody in the courtroom flees].
Dan Fielding: And I thank you for your support.
Judge Harry Stone: [Shouting] I don't not believe this! A book burning? A public book burning!
Mac Robinson: Take it easy, sir.
Judge Stone: I will not take it easy. Not until people like this crawl into the 20th century and realise that the freedom of speech manifested in our literature is one of the very cornerstones of our democracy!
Dan Fielding: Your Honor, they attempted to burn 1,200 copies of the same book.
Judge Stone: I don't give a damn! I feel it is my responsibility to set an example by fining radical extremist like this with every ounce of power that this state has seen fit to grant me!
Mac: [Reading the book title] The Genius of Barry Manilow.
Judge Stone: One dollar!
Dan Fielding: It's incredible what they are doing with the size of personal computers nowadays, huh?
Jeremy Simon: [Typing on his computer, ignoring Dan].
Dan: I'm what you might call an aficionado.
Jeremy: [Typing on his computer, ignoring Dan].
Dan: Do you know what that word means?
Jeremy: [Typing on his computer and showing Dan] Do you know what that word means?
Dan: Come here, little boy.
Jeremy: For your edification, this is a 16-bit CPM with 64K RAM and has floppy or hard disk capabilities. Any other questions, keyboard face?
Dan: There is no Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny is dead, and Kermit the Frog wears dresses!
Dan Fielding: Please, most of these ads are lies anyway. Look, the learned eye can read between the lines. Look, for instance this one. Even tempered, fun-loving woman. That means she's pudgy. Outdoorsy woman with a zest for the good life. Flab-o-rama. Vivacious gal, loves big band music and dining out. Ladies and gentlemen, the Goodyear blimp.
Answer: The jails are overcrowded, so any petty offenders whose case isn't heard by midnight will be let go. The defendant wants the details of his case read (Instead of just the typical summary of the case that Mack gives Harry) because he knows it'll take a while and run out the clock on the midnight deadline, also sparing him the grand jury trial. Dan speed-recites the document quickly enough for Harry to rule on the case and bang his gavel just at the stroke of midnight.
Captain Defenestrator