Dr. Cox: People are bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.
Carla: You can deny you like her all you want. But, I know for a fact, that every time you guys are done "playing racquetball" or "having a conversation" or whatever it is you crazy kids are calling it, you like nothing more than to just lie next to Jordan and watch her sleep.
Dr. Cox: It would be impossible for me to lie next to Jordan, she sleeps hanging from a ramp in the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
JD: Look, uh... Janitor...I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
JD: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
JD: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
JD: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What?! Why?!
JD: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!
Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that.
Dr. Kelso: What's got two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [points to himself with his thumbs.] Bob Kelso!
Dr. Cox: Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside somebody's clogged artery when all that person has to do, really is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that? And, I know here, I know I'm supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap, but you wanna hear the God's honest truth? And this is a fact: you are what you eat. And you went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?