Jack Mosley: Oh yea, you give the car keys to your best friend and you let him take the old lady to the hospital. You stay at the bus stop with the girl because she's the girl of your dreams, right? So everything is going to be ok.
Sonny Truelove: You've fucked up your life so bad! And the only way you're gonna unfuck it, is that you come clean now, Johnny, you come clean NOW.
Harry Stamper: [Refering to asteroid right before he blows the nuke.] Complain all you want, you son of a bitch.
Sam Landis: Let me guess. You finally want to start that boy band you've been dreaming about.
Principal Jared T. Kirkpatrick: Landis, do I come down to the strip club where you work and knock the dick out of your mouth? Against the wall. You're late.
Hector Martinez: You're talkin' to me about an issue of confidentiality?
Dr. Bill Capa: Similar to the Miranda oath.
Hector Martinez: If a friend of mine got killed and the only thing between the killer and me was Miranda you know what I would do? Huh? I'd fuck Miranda up the ass. But don't tell anybody, because it's a matter of confidentiality.