Madeleine: Do you know that they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans in prison, Ernest?
Lisle: You are like Don Quixote, tilting at Nature's windmills.
Lisle Von Rhuman: This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay.
Helen: I want you to know something. I have never blamed you for leaving me. I always knew it was her. She's a woman. A woman, Ernest. From Newark, for God's sake.
Madeleine: You should learn not to compete with me. I always win.
Helen: You may have always won, but you never played fair.
Madeleine: Who cares how I played? I won.
Madeline Ashton: Oh, for Christ's sake, at least lie quickly.
Dakota: I'm trying to.
Madeline Ashton: Wrinkled, wrinkled little star... hope they never see the scars.
Helen: Ernest, ask me to go. Ask me to leave this house immediately.
Ernest: You just got here.
Anna: I am sorry, but the plasma separation is a very traumatic process to the body! Our policy prohibits more than one in a six-month period.
Madeline: So? It's been nearly that long already.
Anna: Miss Ashton, you had one three weeks ago.
Ernest: Is this an angel I see before me?
Lisle: He won't get far. Not at his age.
Ernest Menville: 'Til death do us part! Well, you girls are dead. And I'm parting.
Helen: She married a brilliant surgeon, and turned him into an undertaker.
Helen: She was a homebreaker. She was a man-eater. And she was a bad actress.
Madeline Ashton: Ernest... my ass! I can see MY ASS.
Lisle: We are creatures of the spring, you and I.
Helen: Oh ok! Well if she's not dead, you tell her to come down here, come right up to me and kiss me on the.
Madeline: Kiss you on the what?
Madeleine: You're dressed. Special occasion?
Helen: I will not speak to you 'til you put your head on straight.