Howard Langston: I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher.
Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball?
Dr. Alex Hesse: I've noticed that the side effects of pregnancy are greatly amplified... With the dosage of Expectane that l've required. The morning sickness, the mood swings. Sleepiness, sexual appetite.
Larry: Sexual appetite?
Dr. Alex Hesse: Yesterday, just scooping the middle out of a honeydew melon gave me a - A "Steifen."
Larry: A what? Oh. That's normal. I get 'em all the time.
Detective John Kimble: We're going to play a wonderful game called, "Who is my daddy and what does he do?"
Detective John Kimble: I really appreciate your honesty. You happen to know someone that is not better than me?
Dominic: I don't know that many people.
Detective John Kimble: Just don't throw up on me.
Phoebe O'Hara: Nah, it's OK, I'm not gonna throw up on you. But I am gonna kiss you.
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