Dude, Where's My Ranch? - S14-E18
The Simpsons Family: ♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling...
Blue-haired Lawyer: Cease and desist! You are forbidden to perform that song without paying royalties to the copyright owner.
Marge: Nobody owns Christmas carols. They belong to everyone, like grapes at the grocery store.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Not true, but you are welcome to sing the many public domain carols, such as "O Tannenbaum," "Good King Wenceslas," "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring."
Homer: Those suck! They're worse than nothing! I could write way better songs.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Go ahead, but don't use A-flat or G-natural, those notes are owned by Disney.
Homer: [Moans.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's A-flat.
Homer: [Moans in a higher pitch.]
Blue-haired Lawyer: That's better.
Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming - S7-E9
Chief Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces?
Guy Who Eats People and Takes Their Faces: I'm right here, Chief.
Chief WIggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
Chief Wiggum: Oh great! Well if anyone asks, uh, I beat him to death. Okay?
Officer Lou: Right.
I, (Annoyed Grunt)-bot - S15-E9
Robot Rumble Announcer #1: There's no love lost between these emotionless devices.
Scenes From a Class Struggle in Springfield - S7-E14
Tom Kite: You know Homer, the traditional way to cheat in golf is to lower your score.
Homer: That's one way.
Tom Kite: Ha ha, I'm PGA Tour pro Tom Kite. How 'bout I give you a few pointers on your game? Now you don't want to overthink.
Homer: Not an issue.
Tom Kite: Keep your head down.
Homer: [Raises head] Huh?
Tom Kite: Pretend there's no-one else here. [Homer scratches his butt with the driver and then belches.] And just go at your own pace. [Homer hits the ball onto the green.] Wow, very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
Homer: Really?
Tom Kite: Uh huh. All you need is your own set of clubs. [Takes his clubs back from Homer.] And stay the hell out of my locker! You can keep the shoes.
Kent Brockman: We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with average-naut Homer Simpson, and we'd like to... [an ant suddenly floats by the camera and appears to be large, Brockman and the Simpson family scream in response] Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but, uh, what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair Spacecraft has apparently been taken over, conquered if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them, the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. Like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
Marge Simpson in 'Screaming Yellow Honkers' - S10-E15
Superintendent Chalmers: Well Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I was wondering who's on first.
Principal Skinner: Yes, not the pronoun, rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well that's just great Seymour, we've been out here six seconds, you've already managed to blow the routine!
Lisa on Ice - S6-E8
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Ralph: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers.
[A group of police K-9's begin tracking Milhouse based on his scent.]
Chief Wiggum: Okay, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
Kirk: But, will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: Well, they'll, when they find him, they'll um, they'll um um hum um hush num.
Kirk: Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I?
Female Studio Exec: How'd you get here from L.A. so fast?
Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me.
Otto: [Walking out of a kitchenware store called Stoner's Pot Palace] Man, that is flagrant false advertising!
Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner - S11-E3
Homer: I don't need Lisa to write a good review. "The food at the Gilded Truffle really..." Uh, what's a good word?
Maggie: [Sucks on pacifier].
Homer: "Sucks." That's great. "And the bread was really..." Come on, help me out here.
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
Homer: Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
Homer: "Chewy," that's inspired.
The Trouble With Trillions - S9-E20
Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman live at the Springfield Post Office on Tax Day. It's literally the 11th hour, 10:00 PM, and tardy taxpayers are scrambling to mail their returns by midnight. Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Otto: Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?
Kent Brockman: Sir, uh, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?
Krusty the Clown: Because I'm an idiot. Happy?
Answer: Willy referred to an encounter he believed he had with actual aliens, while Wiggum thought he was referring to the arcade game.