Quotes from Jim Carrey movies and TV shows

All people starting with J

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Ace Ventura: Aaalll righty then.

Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.

Lois Einhorn: Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Aguado: Hey. Hey, Ventura. Make any good collars, lately?
Cop: Or were they leashes?
[Everyone laughs at Ace. Ace laughs and turns around.]
Aguado: Uh-oh!
[Aguado sees a bug scampering across the floor and steps on it.]
Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
Ace: That's a good question, Aguado. First I'd establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose thirty pounds, porking his wife.

Mr. Shickadance: Venturaaahhh!
Ace Ventura: Yes, Satan? [Turns around.] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.

Ace Ventura: I'm looking for Ray Finkle...
[A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head.]
Ace Ventura: ...and a clean pair of shorts.

Sexy Woman: Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
Ace: Well, a reward would be good. There was some damage to my car. It's a high performance machine, so I had to fill it with premium.
[The woman interrupts Ace by kissing him.]
Sexy Woman: Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?
Ace: Gee, let me think. Um, sure.

Ace: I never take my work home with me.
Mr. Shickadance: Oh yeah, then what's all this pet food for?
Ace: Fibre?

Ace Ventura: Wow. Ray Finkle's house. I can't wait to meet him.
Mr. Finkle: Ray ain't coming home.
Ace Ventura: But your wife said you expect him home any minute.
Mr. Finkle: She expects him home any minute. See the engine's running, but, uh, there's nobody behind the wheel. I mean, eight years ago, our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental in Tampa. And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.
Mrs. Finkle: It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everybody knows that. If he had held the ball laces out like he was supposed to Ray never would have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Ace: Tell them what I'm saying. [To Wachootoo tribe] I come in peace.
Ouda: White devil say, "I will harm you."
Ace: I couldn't help but notice that Eqinsu Ocha part. Did you just refer to me as White Devil?
Ouda: This how they know you.
Ace: Leave that part out from now on. [To tribe] I represent the princess.
Ouda: I am a princess.
Ace: War is hell. The last thing we want is a fight.
Ouda: I want to fight. So go to Hell.

Wachootoo Chief: Eqinsu Ocha!
Ace: What does Eqinsu Ocha mean?
Ouda: White devil.
Ace: Well, tell them I'm not.
Ouda: I only met you. How do I know?
Wachootoo Chief: [to tribe] Eqinsu Ocha! Eqinsu Ocha!
Ouda: He said...
Ace: Let me guess. White devil, white devil?
Ouda: Yes. You speak Wachootoo?

The Riddler: Did anyone ever tell you you have a serious impulse control problem?!

The Riddler: Riddle me this. Riddle me that. Who's afraid of the big black bat?

The Riddler: Now, the real game begins.

The Riddler: Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.
Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now, because I choose to be.

Batman: Wait. I have a riddle for you.
The Riddler: A riddle? For me? Really? Tell me.
Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?
The Riddler: Oh please. You're blind as a bat!
Batman: Exactly.

Bruce: God, why do you hate me?

Ebenezer Scrooge: What do you want with me?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted by three spirits.
Ebenezer Scrooge: I'd rather not.

Ebenezer Scrooge: I see you wear a scabbard but no sword.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Indeed! Peace on earth. Goodwill toward men.

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