Simon: I said, what does coffee and donuts have to do with God?
Rev. Russell: They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and talk about up coming events.
Simon: Who ever said church needs a continental breakfast?
Joe: Hey, your son is not a screw up, he's a hero.
Mr. Birch: What?
Joe: I said he's a hero. And you don't deserve him. I want you to know that.
Simon: I've been thinking.
Joe: Yeah?
Simon: Last year we were in the squirt league, and this year we're in the pewee.
Joe: So?
Simon: So what do they want us to do, play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.
Joe: I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
Simon: What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there'd be chaos.
Simon: I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.
Miss Leavy: The Star of Bethlehem is not a piñata.
Joe: My balls just turned to prunes.
Simon: My balls just turned to raisins.
Simon: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.
Joe: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?
Simon: I'd have you committed.
Simon: You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one.
Simon: Boobs.
Simon: Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.
Joe: What if I said the same thing about your mother?
Simon: I'd have you committed.
Rev. Russell: What are you doing sitting in a corner Simon?
Simon: Thinking about God.
Rev. Russell: In a corner?
Simon: Faith is not in a floor plan.
Answer: I think they let Simon go because he was sick at the time.