Tom Smith: You know, you don't throw a whole life away just 'cause he's banged up a little.
Pat Summerall: That's the second time tonight a Washington player's been knocked out by his own teammate.
John Madden: You know, there's a rule in sports, "Don't do anything great if you can't handle the congratulations."
Pat Summerall: There is?
John Madden: Yep.
Romeo Posar: Now THAT was a defining moment. And the definition was "shit."
Mrs. Bhamra: What family would want a daughter-in-law who can run around kicking football all day but can't make round chapatis?
Lincoln Hawk: I always wanted to be a milk shake.
Peter La Fleur: Are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Leigh Anne Touhy: If you so much as set foot downtown you will be sorry. I'm in a prayer group with the D.A., I'm a member of the NRA and I'm always packing.
Thornton Melon: Listen, Sherlock. While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the real world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
Crash Davis: This son of a bitch is throwing a two-hit shutout. He's shaking me off. You believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce. And when you speak of me, speak well.
Josef Grul: Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, ja?
Derice Bannock: What's his problem?
Irv: He's Josef Grul. He's one of the best drivers in the world.
Yul Brenner: Yeah, he's one of the biggest assholes in the world, too.
Tim Daland: I had sponsors in from all over the coast and I'm hugging, and holding hands, and praying for a good showin'. And what do we do? We end up looking like a monkey fucking a football out there. Everybody out, please.
Coach Norman Dale: If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners.
Monica: I'll play you.
Quincy: For what?
Monica: Your heart.
Gordon Bombay: Keep swingin'. Maybe you'll give them a cold.
Conor O'Neill: I want you guys to take a good look at yourselves and feel proud. We made it here. We're here. What I've learned from you is that really one of the most important things in life is showing up. I'm blown away by your ability to show up through everything that's gone on. The league never wanted you to play this game, but you showed up. But, uh, we only have eight players so, we can't play.
Rocky Balboa: I just got one thing to say... to my wife at home: Yo, Adrian! I DID IT.
Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar.