Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

Patches O'Houlihan: It's like watching a bunch of ret**ds trying to fuck a doorknob out there!

Peter La Fleur: Are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.

Cotton McKnight: I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players and will be forfeiting the championship match.
Pepper Brooks: It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.

Patches O'Houlihan: Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.

Patches O'Houlihan: Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop.

Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.

White Goodman: Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it.

Cotton McKnight: Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a menage a trois of pain.
Pepper Brooks: Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton.

White Goodman: Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

Cotton McKnight: In 23 years of broadcasting I thought I'd seen it all, folks. But it looks like Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself.
Pepper Brooks: He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.

Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.

Kate Veatch: I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
Peter La Fleur: Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes?
Kate Veatch: Sexual harassment, mostly.

White Goodman: At Globo Gym we understand that "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness, or necrophilia.

Peter La Fleur: You had me at blood and semen.

Cotton McKnight: It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.

Patches O'Houlihan: Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!

Cotton McKnight: Average Joe's has a tough job, facing the Lumberjacks. These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months.
Pepper Brooks: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.

White Goodman: Fuckin' Chuck Norris.

Kate Veatch: I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life?
Peter La Fleur: I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... It feels phenomenal.