Oscar Madison: I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar.
Oscar Madison: Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.
Roy: What if he's lying in a gutter somewhere? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.
Murray: Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut.
Oscar Madison: You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.
Oscar Madison: You did a great job, Felix. One little suggestion: let's come down a little bit with the lights, and up very softly with the music, huh? Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?
Oscar Madison: It takes two to make a rotten mariage.
Oscar Madison: Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.
Cop in squad car: Hey, what are you doing, Murray?
Murray: Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.
Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
Felix Ungar: Felix.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, right, Felix.
Cecily Pigeon: Like the cat.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.
Felix Ungar: Walk on the paper, will you? I washed the floor in there.
Felix Ungar: I think I'm crazy.
Oscar Madison: If it makes you feel any better, I think so too.
Murray: A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance.
Oscar Madison: Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind.
Murray: What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle.
Oscar Madison: Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room.
Felix Ungar: I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy.
Cecily Pigeon: I'm divorced. Well, technically I'm a widow. I was getting divorced but he died before the final papers came through.
Felix Ungar: I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.
Oscar Madison: Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.
Felix Ungar: I'll be in the way.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
Oscar Madison: You want to see a typewritten list?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Oh, haven't you said enough already?
Felix Ungar: In other words, you're throwin' me out.
Oscar Madison: Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones.
Oscar Madison: Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.
