John Lithgow

Quotes from John Lithgow movies and TV shows

Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6

Dick: Does anyone remember why we all decided to be white?
Harry: Oh, um, I went with white ‘cause I thought it'd be a little cooler in the summer.
Tommy: Well don't you remember, Dick? All the television signals that we picked up in outer space were filled with white people.
Sally: Oh, except for that, uh, that black nerd with the hiked-up pants and the oversized glasses. What was his name?
Tommy: Bryant Gumbel.
Sally: Right.

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Green-Eyed Dick - S1-E6

Dick: I happen to know that every word in that book has been published years before. Perhaps you've read the dictionary!

The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Tommy: [Reading a fortune from a cookie] "There is no substitute for hard work."
Dick: Ah, how true is that? Harry, what does yours say?
Harry: Oh, um, "Your life is like a kite, somehow."
Dick: Harry, did you eat yours again?
Harry: Yeah.

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Brains and Eggs - S1-E1

Mary: For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
Dick: Please, Dr. Albright, we barely know each other.

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Just Your Average Dick (1) - S3-E22

Mary: Dick, you and your family, I know you mean well but sometimes it's like being around the Addams family.
Dick: Well, I will admit that John Adams' views of a strong central government may have been ahead of their time, but I...
Mary: That's not who I meant.
Dick: John Quincy Adams? You're comparing me to that freak show!?

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Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6

[The Solomons are sitting in their car after attending a white power rally.]
Sally: Well it's a good thing Barry White wasn't there.
Harry: Those guys were kinda creepy.
Tommy: Why do you think they burned that giant lower-case letter T?
Dick: I don't want to be a part of any group that hates the lower-case letter T.

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Dick and Taxes - S4-E12

[The Solomons discover that they owe $9,500 in back-taxes.]
Tommy: $9,500?
Sally: Oh my god you guys, what are we gonna do?
Tommy: I mean look at all these receipts from all these meals. If we'd only talked about business during some of them we could write off all this money as deductions.
Dick: Who says we didn't talk about business?
Tommy: Yes, 'cause that's the only reason we ever go out to eat anyway, right, is to talk about business.
Sally: Business.
Harry: Okay, I must tune out because I never hear us talking about business.
Dick: Yes, we can lie on our taxes.
Tommy: I can't believe that no human has ever thought of this before.
Sally: Okay, wait a second you guys. What if we get caught?
Dick: How can we get caught? All those other dopes out there are telling the truth about their taxes, they're just going to assume that we are too.

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The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Harry: My name is Harry, and I'm an alcoholic.
Receptionist: Okay, this is Triple A.
Dick: So you refuse to help this man?

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Fifteen Minutes of Dick - S2-E23

Sally: I cannot believe we had to give up our table for Luke Skywalker. "Ooh look at me, I'm so important. My father's Darth Vader."
Dick: He is!?

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The Art of Dick - S1-E11

Dick: Tommy, do you ever doodle?
Tommy: Why, was I in the bathroom too long?
Dick: I can't doodle.
Tommy: Well Dick, you're kind of old.
Dick: Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his sixties.
Tommy: That's disgusting.
Dick: I know. I just can't draw.
Tommy: Oh, doodling.

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The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Dick: Why do these people insist on putting their biographies in the paper, like they're so great? Beloved this and devoted that.
Nina: Dr. Solomon, those are the obituaries.
Dick: Well I want one about me.
Nina: Hopefully soon.

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Indecent Dick - S4-E8

Dick: Look at you, you're all obsessed with nudity, and it's dirty, filthy and vile.
Bug: It's not dirty, Dr. Solomon.
Pittman: We all come into this world naked.
Dick: I didn't.

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Fifteen Minutes of Dick - S2-E23

Mary: Dick, why are you so upset about this? What do you want?
Dick: Fame. I wanna live forever. Light up the sky like a flame. Fame.

See Dick Continue to Run, Continued (3) - S2-E2

Evil Dick: Stay and witness my moment of glory, as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.
Tommy: Wait, wait. Even the men?
Evil Dick: Okay, not the men.
Sally: What about little girls?
Evil Dick: Mmm, no, not them.
Tommy: What about elderly women?
Evil Dick: I don't think so.
Harry: What about women who are already pregnant?
Evil Dick: Oh, shut up, all of you! Okay, so apparently I won't be impregnating the entire population of Ohio. But all fertile women of child-bearing age who are not currently pregnant, and that's a lot!

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The Big Giant Head Returns Again (1) - S5-E21

Dick: Hey Tommy, how was school?
Tommy: Terrible. I got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades.
Harry: What'd he do to ya?
Tommy: Made me Valedictorian. Apparently I have the best grades in the school, dammit.
Dick: But you barely ever go to class.
Tommy: I know. That's how stupid everyone else is. Dammit!

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Post Nasal Dick - S1-E2

Dick: [Reading from "A Brief History of Time"] "The force-carrying particles exchange between matter particles are said to be virtual particles, because unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected by a particle detector." The people on this planet will swallow anything [laughs].

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Green-Eyed Dick - S1-E6

Jeff: It's an ancient Ukranian quilting thimble. There's some writing on the outside. I didn't have time to get it translated.
Mary: Well, you've been so busy with the book.
Dick: Oh uh, speaking of time, don't you have a meeting?
Jeff: Right. I gotta go. Bye.
Mary: I'm gonna have to find someone who can translate Ukranian.
Dick: Oh, that's not Ukranian, it's Turkish. Look, there's a diacritical mark over the "O." [Reads in Turkish.]
Mary: Well, what does it mean?
Dick: "May these always point me toward the spoils of war." This isn't a thimble, it's Turkish nipple armor.

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Dick and Harry Fall Down a Hole - S5-E18

Dick: You're just sitting there happy as an idiot in Idiot Land on "Idiots Get In Free Day!"
Harry: OK, there's no such land, and I would know.

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Collect Call for Dick - S4-E4

The Columbian: I hear you're looking to, uh, liquidate.
Dick: Uh huh.
The Columbian: That's good, 'cause I'm looking to acquire.
Sally: Listen here lady, we're not giving these away. We're looking for top dollar.
The Columbian: Oh, I got top dollar. I got better than top dollar.
Dick: Well then by default, wouldn't that become top dollar?

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Dick and Taxes - S4-E12

[The Solomons are doing their taxes for the first time.]
Dick: Alright, Form 10-40. First name: Dick. Last name: Solomon. And Mary said this would be complicated.
Sally: Dick this is so boring. Why are we doin' it?
Dick: Because Sally, this is what humans do. It's like their national pastime. And you don't want us to stand out.
Harry: Hey, you know what'd be funny? Where it says "Sex," write "frequently."
Sally: That's a good one Harry.
Dick: They don't ask for your sex here.
Harry: Hmm. Well if there's any place that you can indicate that you like to have frequent sex, I think it's worth doing.
Sally: Farm income or loss. So did our farm show a profit last year?
Dick: No, we're Schedule F.
Tommy: Wait wait, we didn't have a farm last year.
Harry: We lost the farm? No!
Dick: Line 14, other gains or losses.
Tommy: I gained two lbs.
Sally: I lost my virginity.
Harry: Hey, there's your opportunity for that frequent sex thing if you wanna just throw it in.
Dick: Enter itemized deductions from Page 3, Schedule C, Line 2 to the extent they are allowable on Schedule A Form 10-40 NR.
Sally: Enter the larger of your itemized deductions from Line 28 or standard deduction shown on the left. My left or its left?
Tommy: See Page 30 to find your standard deduction if you've checked any box on Line 35-A or 35-B or if someone can claim you as a dependent.
[The entire family is shown to be very confused and the scene transitions to a short time later.]
Harry: I'm telling you, there is no Schedule B.
Tommy: There has to be, dammit!
Dick: I don't understand this, I'm a superior being. I can calculate the decaying orbit of a dying moon to within a tenth of an inch. Why can't I calculate the subtotal of Line 59-A? Why can't I find Line 59-A? Where the hell is Line 59-A!?
Sally: Calm down.
Dick: [begins tearing up his tax forms.] I can't take this anymore! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! [Suddenly finds Line 59-A.] Oh here it is. Everybody just settle down.

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